Saturday, August 14, 2010

Chapters 10 to 12

Chapter 10: When a Knight Won His Spurs
Scene 1
Inside the Sand People enclave. RGN and the other Jedi are standing in their underwear, surrounded by a bunch of armed Sand People and looking distinctly uncomfortable. One of the Sand People says something to HK-47.
HK-47: Translation: And now, master, they wish you to sing 'Twinkle, twinkle, little star' whilst dancing around and flapping your arms like a chicken.
RGN: HK, you're making this up!
HK-47: Outrage: Master! Would I do such a thing?
RGN: Just tell them that we want to see their chieftain, now. Or else!
HK-47relays the message to the Sand Person. There is a tense moment of silence, then the guard grunts something in response and turns away.
HK-47: Translation: You are to follow him, master.
RGN and the others follow the Sand People through the enclave. BASTILA and JUHANI look distinctly unamused.
BASTILA: You are so dead, RGN. I tell you, the minute we get out of here...
RGN: Oh, stop being so melodramatic. It could be worse!
BASTILA: How could it be worse? We don't even know what they're going to do to us yet. And stop looking at my breasts!
RGN: I was not looking at them! Anyway, may I ask how you would have gone about rescuing Griff? I suppose you'd prefer to take on the entire enclave?
Still bickering, they continue through the enclave. Eventually they come to a halt in front of an elaborately-dressed Sand Person, who is obviously the CHIEFTAIN.
CHIEFTAIN: (Unintelligible sounds)
HK-47: Translation: He asks why you mock their sacred traditions by coming here dressed in facsimiles of their robes, master.
CHIEFTAIN: (Even more unintelligible sounds)
HK-47: He also expresses disapproval of the way the Sand People are regularly portrayed as villains and savages in human films, and chides you for your lack of cultural sensitivity.
RGN (at a loss): Um. Well, tell him I apologise on behalf of myself and my fellow humans... and say we've come to ask about the Twi'lek he holds captive. (HK-47 relays the message.)
CHIEFTAIN: (A long, extremely voluble string of unintelligible sounds.)
HK-47: Translation: Er... I will spare you the details, master, but I believe the gist of it is that this particular Twi'lek is not his favourite person.
RGN: Would he accept some kind of payment in return for freeing Griff?
HK-47 speaks to the CHIEFTAIN, who replies at some length.
HK-47: Translation: He says he will pay you to take this Griff away, master. Apparently he is no use as a slave and has been enjoying something of a holiday at the Sand People's expense. They have told him he is free to go, but he is either unable or unwilling to understand this...
RGN: Really? Well... tell him we will take Griff for free if he also frees the Jawa slaves they hold.
CHIEFTAN: (An unintelligible but obviously heartfelt tirade.)
HK-47: Direct translation: Anything, as long as you get rid of the damn Twi'lek!
RGN: Good. Er... could you ask him if we could possibly have our clothes back now?
Scene 2
The spaceport in Anchorhead. MISSION runs out of the Ebon Hawk as the Jedi approach, along with GRIFF.
MISSION: Griff! (She flings her arms around him.) Thank God you're safe! Are you all right?
GRIFF: Oh, Mission, it was terrible! Those Sand People are absolute animals, I tell you. I was locked up in a tiny cell, starved, beaten -- (RGN and the other Jedi exchange glances.)
MISSION (shocked): Really? (She stares at him.) You don't look like you've been starved and beaten, Griff.
GRIFF: Well... when I say 'starved', I mean relatively, y'know? I mean, they didn't even have any Coco Pops! And then, one of them hit me with his gaffi stick for no reason at all!
RGN: None at all?
GRIFF: None! Although... I suppose I might have accidentally kicked him repeatedly in the shin while I was trying to escape. But you don't know how desperate I was! After all those months and months of captivity --
CARTH: Months? The Czerka rep said you'd only been gone a week.
GRIFF: Wha- only a week? Really? (Rallies) Well, it seemed like months.
MISSION: Look, never mind, you're safe now and that's all that matters. (Lets go of him) But Griff, why did you go off with Lena and leave me on Taris? I'll bet she talked you into it, didn't she?
GRIFF: Er... talked me into it? (He shifts uncomfortably.) Well, yeah... that's approximately what happened.
RGN: You talked her into it, in other words.
GRIFF: Uh... (He hesitates just slightly too long.)
MISSION (furious): Griff! Are you saying it was your own idea to leave me there?
GRIFF (helplessly): Well, you had school and everything...
BASTILA: You left a twelve-year-old girl to fend for herself in a crime-ridden slum!
GRIFF (desperately): Look... I'll make it up to you, Mission! I've got this great new money-making scheme --
MISSION: Oh, no, not another!
GRIFF: I'm planning to invest in dotcom stocks. It's foolproof, I tell you! Now, if each of you would just lend me the small sum of 50,000 credits --
RGN: Absolutely, categorically not.
GRIFF: Fine! If you want to miss out on the chance to be millionaires, suit yourselves! You'll regret it in a couple of years when I'm one of the richest men in the galaxy. (He stalks off, leaving a devastated-looking MISSION behind him.)
RGN (consolingly): Don't give up on him, Mission. Even the worst of us can change...
MISSION: Do you really think? Even my brother?
RGN struggles between tact and honesty for a second.
RGN: Well... possibly.
Scene 3
Inside the Ebon Hawk. CANDEROUS walks up to the others, whistling nonchalantly.
CANDEROUS: So, you find your Star Map yet?
RGN: Not yet... but it won't be long now. Where's Sasha?
CANDEROUS: I sold her to one of the local spice smugglers as a drug mule. (Seeing RGN's face) Just kidding. She ain't so bad, really...
A blaster-wielding SASHA tears through the room, pursuing a couple of terrified gizka.
SASHA (subtitled): Diediediediedie!
CANDEROUS: (Smirks) Oh yeah, we dealt with your little gizka problem.
RGN (staring after SASHA): Uh, well... great...
Having disposed of the gizka, SASHA returns to the room. Suddenly she spots HK-47, and her eyes light up with delight.)
SASHA: Dolly! (She runs over and hugs him.)
HK-47 (stiffly): Observation: Master, the small, sticky meatbag appears to be under the impression that I am some sort of toy.
RGN (indulgently): Oh, HK, she's just a little girl. Why don't you play with her for a while?
HK-47: Objection: But master...!
RGN (ignoring him): Go on, Sasha, show him the little den you made.
SASHA grabs hold of HK-47's arm and begins to drag him across the floor; with the attitude of a condemned man being led to the scaffold, he follows her. Once inside the storeroom, she runs over to her bed and rummages about under the covers. Finally, with an air of triumph, she pulls out a screwdriver.
HK-47: (Takes a step backwards) Request: Ahem... please be careful with that, diminutive meatbag...
SASHA waves the screwdriver at him and he backs away into a corner. She advances on him, grinning wickedly.
HK-47: Help! SOMEBODY HELP!
Scene 4
Out in the dune seas. All the party members are present except for T3-M4 and MISSION.
RGN (soothingly): Oh, HK, you're overreacting. Of course she wasn't trying to kill you!
HK-47: Contradiction: Master, she is an evil demon-child from Hell! She would have had me in pieces if you had come along a minute later!
RGN: Don't be silly, HK. (Pulls out map) Now, the Jawas gave me this in return for rescuing their tribe-mates. According to them, the Star Map should be somewhere around... here. (Points.)
BASTILA (looking over his shoulder): You mean the bit where it says 'Here Be Dragons'?
RGN: Ah, yes. Now, Carth, I believe you're our resident dragon expert. Virgins chained to rocks, was it?
CARTH: Very funny.
CANDEROUS: (Smirks) Yeah, like we're going to find any of those round here.
There is a sudden, deadly silence.
JUHANI: What was that you said, Mandalorian?
CANDEROUS (grinning): What's your problem? You see any rocks near here, Tibbles?
Luckily, KOMAD FORTUNA chooses this particular moment to appear on the scene.
KOMAD: Hello to you all! Did someone mention 'dragons'?
RGN: We're looking for something which we believe may be in a krayt dragon's cave.
KOMAD: Well, you're lucky you found me, then! I happen to hunting a krayt dragon right now. What a coincidence that we should meet like this!
RGN: (Rolls his eyes skyward) It is rather, isn't it?
KOMAD: Perhaps you would like to help me set a trap for him? Now, normally I would suggest using banthas as bait, but we've had some trouble recently with the militant wing of SPETB.
RGN: SPETB?
KOMAD: Sand People for the Ethical Treatment of Banthas.
RGN: Oh, dear... Is there any alternative?
KOMAD (eyeing BASTILA and JUHANI): Well, there is one -- but I have a feeling you may not like it...
Scene 5
Outside the dragon's cave. BASTILA is arguing furiously with the others.
BASTILA: What is it about the word 'no' that you are failing to understand?
JUHANI: You lost the toss, Bastila.
BASTILA: I don't care. I am not doing it.
CARTH: But Bastila, think of the mission! If we don't get this Star Map then Malak may take over the galaxy!
BASTILA: Too bad!
RGN: What about your mother? What's she going to say if you come back without your father's holocron?
BASTILA (relenting): Oh, God... all right then. But if any of you ever mentions this again I will ritually disembowel you with my lightsaber, understand?
She walks up to the mouth of the cave, carefully avoiding the traps set by KOMAD.
BASTILA (high, squeaky voice): Oh, save me, brave Sir RGN! I am but a poor, helpless maiden, abandoned here to be devoured by this mighty dragon!
The dragon stirs and raises its head. BASTILA begins to run back towards the others. Slowly, the dragon rises to its feet and lumbers after her.
KOMAD: Everyone stand back!
The dragon blunders straight over KOMAD's traps, which explode underneath it; it falls to the ground, roaring with surprise and rage. RGN runs over and plunges his lightsaber through its neck.
RGN: (Grinning at BASTILA) Wouldst thou grant me a kiss, fair lady?
BASTILA: Shut up.
Scene 6
Inside the cave.
RGN: Right, one Star Map... (Looks down at the ground) And one holocron, conveniently undamaged, lying right beside it.
CARTH (calling over): RGN... were those speeders here a minute ago?
They walk to the entrance of the cave. In the distance, blocking the route back to Anchorhead, is a group of figures -- including a short, stocky man in a blue coat.
RGN: Uh-oh...
They walk closer. CALO NORD stands in front of them, a self-satisfied smile on his face.
CANDEROUS: Well, if it ain't my old pal Calo Nord. Plus backup, I see. I guess Grumpy, Sneezy and Dopey couldn't make it?
CALO: You know, Canderous, I'm really going to enjoy the look on your face when I rip your head off your body.
RGN: Hold on a second... How the hell did you manage to escape Taris when we'd taken the only ship capable of breaking the Sith blockade?
CARTH: And the planet was being destroyed?
BASTILA: And you were buried under a pile of rubble?
CALO: All excellent questions... but you're going to have to think up your own explanations, I'm afraid. Not that it matters, since you'll all be dead in a couple of minutes.
RGN: (Shrugs) Well, if it has to be like this... HK, will you do the honours?
HK-47: Acknowledgement: With pleasure, master. Charging flamethrowers...
Scene 7
Back in Anchorhead, outside the cantina.
RGN: Well, Bastila, aren't you going to give your mother the holocron?
BASTILA: I'm not sure I even want to. I loved him too -- why should she have it rather than me?
CANDEROUS: (Snorts) Spoiled little Jedi princess.
BASTILA: I am not spoiled! RGN, he's being mean to me!
RGN: Leave her alone, Canderous.
CANDEROUS: Aww, you always take her side! (Stomps off.)
HELENA looks up as the two Jedi enter the cantina.
HELENA: Ah, there you are. Well, you've certainly taken your time. Do you have the holocron?
BASTILA: Yes, I do -- I'm just not sure I want to give it to you.
HELENA: Hmph. Typical. You always had to have your own way, didn't you? Your father never knew how to say no to you --
BASTILA (angrily): Well, maybe he never said no because you always did! You wouldn't let me do anything I wanted to! You never let me eat at McDonalds, you never let me have sleepovers with my friends, you never let me borrow the car --
RGN: Borrow the car? Bastila, how old were you at this point?
BASTILA: Well... about eight. But it's the principle.
RGN (sighs) All right, you two, calm down. Now, I want you to think of one thing -- anything -- that you have in common, OK?
There is a long silence.
BASTILA: Um... we're both women?
RGN: Oh-kay. Well, it's a start, I guess...
Fifteen minutes later...
RGN: Right, well, I think we've discussed this enough. Do you two have something to say to each other?
They both mumble something unintelligble.
RGN: What was that? I didn't quite hear you.
BASTILA/HELENA (reluctantly): Sorry.
RGN: Now, Bastila, give your mother the holocron. (She grudgingly hands it over.)
RGN: Good! Now, are we all friends again?
HELENA (sighs): I suppose so. Bastila, I don't really want the holocron.
BASTILA: You don't?
HELENA: No. Actually, I'd much prefer some credits so that I could find a doctor.
BASTILA: A... a doctor? Are you saying that you really are dying?
HELENA: Yes, dear. Even though I have no visible symptoms and appear perfectly healthy, I do in fact have a terminal illness.
BASTILA (shocked): Oh, Mother! Why didn't you tell me? (They embrace.)
RGN (wearily): And it's yet another success for RGN, Jedi Guidance Counsellor...


Chapter 11: Planet of the Wookiees
Scene 1
On board the Ebon Hawk, in the central section.
RGN: Well, Bastila, I've reunited you with your estranged mother and generally established myself as a nice person. So are you finally going to admit that you're attracted to me?
BASTILA: Sorry, I still have to agonise over my feelings for you a while longer. Ask me again when we get to Kashyyyk.
Without warning, CARTH strides into the room, dragging SASHA by the scruff of her neck.
CARTH: Right! This has gone far enough. RGN, we have to get rid of Sasha!
RGN: What? Why?
CARTH: The little brat somehow managed to reprogram our hyperspace coordinates. We'd have gone straight into one of Tatooine's suns if I hadn't noticed in time! (He shakes her.)
SASHA's bottom lip quivers, and tears begin to roll down her cheeks. She runs over to RGN and buries her face in his robe.
RGN: Now look what you've done, you've made her cry! (He hugs her.) You didn't realise you were doing anything wrong, did you, Sasha?
SASHA gives him a look of wide-eyed innocence, then turns to CARTH and throws him a malevolent glare which RGN fails to notice. CARTH and BASTILA exchange glances.
BASTILA: Um... RGN, I agree with Carth. A starship is no place for a little girl. Besides, don't you think it's time we tried to find her family?
RGN (sighs): Yes, I suppose you're right. OK, we'll go back to Dantooine and make enquiries there. Come on, Sasha, why don't you play with Canderous for a while?
He leaves the room. SASHA gives the other two a look which says, "This is war", then runs after him.
Scene 2
The Jedi enclave on Dantooine; the entire party leaves the Hawk, minus the droids. LUR ARKA SULAS, a Twi'lek man standing outside the docking bay, does a double-take when he sees SASHA.
RGN (pleasantly): Is something the matter, sir?
LUR ARKA: Oh, er... nothing. Just that the little girl... no, it doesn't matter.
RGN: No, do tell me.
LUR ARKA: It's just that my friend Rundil ot Sulem had a daughter who... oh, look, I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
CARTH: Was this daughter named Sasha, by any chance?
LUR ARKA (horrified): Sasha? (Hastily) No -- no, I'm sure it wasn't Sasha. Definitely not. It was, er, S... Sandra.
RGN: And what happened to her?
LUR ARKA: She, um... died. (Perks up) Yep, that's right, dead as a doornail. So you see, there is no possibility whatsoever that it could be the same girl. Goodbye, it was nice meeting you!
He dashes off towards the entrance to the enclave. RGN stares after him suspiciously.
RGN: Hmm...
Suddenly there is a shout. JAGI, a Mandalorian, runs up to the group.
JAGI: Is that you? Yeah, it is you. Canderous Ordo, you lying, cheating son of a Hutt!
CANDEROUS: (Whirls round in shock) Jagi?
The others look on with interest.
RGN: Do you know this man, Canderous?
JAGI (grimly): Oh, we know each other all right. We know each other very, very well. I suppose you remember that night on Malachor V, 'Candy'?
CANDEROUS (frantically): Jagi, not here!
But it is too late. The entire party, not to mention a few passing Jedi, are gawking at them in astonishment.
CARTH (grinning maliciously): Is there something you'd like to share with us, Canderous?
JAGI: (Before CANDEROUS can answer) Oh, I'll tell them about it, shall I? How you promised we'd be together, and then I came along to the armoury the next day and found you and Mandalore --
RGN: Er, Jagi? Too much information.
JAGI: Yeah? Well, I'll tell you something else: Nobody cheats on me and gets away with it! (By now, most of the enclave's inhabitants have gathered round to listen.) Oh, and one more thing: I'd just like to inform everyone that Canderous has a very small --
CANDEROUS (finding his voice): GET OUT!
JAGI: I'll see you in the Dune Seas of Tatooine, Canderous.
He stalks off. There is a long pause; CANDEROUS's face is the colour of an overripe tomato. Finally, BASTILA speaks.
BASTILA: Typical. It's always the big, butch ones, isn't it?
CANDEROUS: (Stares after JAGI) He insulted my honour.
CARTH (smirking): Sounded to me like he was insulting something else -- (CANDEROUS lunges at him. Eventually, the Jedi manage to use the Force to pull them apart.)
RGN: Look... (Words fail him) Look, perhaps we can sort this out later, okay? Let's... just carry on with our search for Sasha's family, shall we?
The crowd of observers slowly disperses, many of the Jedi casting curious backward glances at CANDEROUS as they go.
Scene 3
The party re-enters the enclave through the main gates. SASHA is still with them.
RGN: It does seem strange that none of the local residents seem to know anything about her.
MISSION: Yeah... and I wonder why people kept crossing themselves whenever they saw her?
RGN (sighs): Ah well, I guess we'll just have to keep her with us for the moment. (SASHA grins triumphantly, then sticks out her tongue at CARTH behind RGN's back.) But anyway, Canderous, there remains the little matter of your... er... friend.
CANDEROUS: You heard him! He challenged me to a duel in the Dune Seas of Tatooine.
RGN: A duel? Are you serious? You mean... blaster rifles at dawn, that kind of thing?
CANDEROUS: Such insults can only be avenged with his blood!
CARTH: Oh, spare us the whole 'Proud Warrior Race Guy' thing, Canderous. You know, from now on, I think you're going to have difficulty getting people to take it seriously in any case.
BASTILA: Anyway, we don't have time. I know we've had a lot of fun hunting dragons and meeting up with long-lost family members, but might I remind everyone that we are on a mission to save the galaxy?
RGN: I'm afraid I have to agree with her, Canderous.
CANDEROUS: Oh, I see. So it's OK to spend time searching for Bastila's mother and Mission's brother, but not for me to fight a duel with Jagi.
RGN: (Groans) Oh, look... I'll think about it, OK? Let's just go to Kashyyyk for now. At least we're not likely to uncover any family feuds or dark secrets there!
ZAALBAR: Um...
RGN (threateningly): What was that, Zaalbar?
ZAALBAR: Nothing.
Scene 4
On board the Ebon Hawk, which is travelling towards Kashyyyk. JUHANI timidly approaches RGN.
JUHANI: RGN... May I talk to you?
RGN (surprised): Yes, of course.
JUHANI: You are sure? I am not invading your personal space in any way?
RGN: No, no. What was it you wanted to say?
JUHANI: That I am sorry.
RGN (confused): Sorry?
JUHANI: Yes... for trying to kill you on Dantooine after I fell to the Dark Side. And... (Her voice quivers) And for eating too many of your Choc-Ices...
RGN: I thought that was just Bastila and Sasha?
JUHANI: No, it was I also. (Bows her head) Can you ever forgive me?
RGN: Hey, it was just a few Choc-Ices!
JUHANI: I was referring more to the 'trying to kill you' part.
RGN: Ah. Well... don't worry about it, Juhani. We all make mistakes.
JUHANI: You do not hate me?
RGN: Of course I don't hate you! (She looks unconvinced.) Look, Juhani, I like having you here. Truly. You're very, um... quiet.
JUHANI: That is good?
RGN: Yes. I mean, it's a nice change to have someone around who doesn't regard me as some kind of unpaid personal therapist, boring me to tears with stories about their unhappy childhood... (Seeing her face) Which... is what you came here for, isn't it?
JUHANI: No. No, it... it doesn't matter.
RGN (backtracking hastily): No, honestly, I was just joking. Tell me about your childhood if you want.
JUHANI: It's not important. It was not that bad, really.
RGN (hopefully): Really?
JUHANI: No... well, except when the Mandalorians attacked my planet and my family were forced to flee to Taris as refugees.
RGN: Oh... that does sound bad. But it got better after that?
JUHANI: A little. Of course, we were very poor and the humans constantly discriminated against us. But I had a fairly normal childhood, I suppose... except for when my father became addicted to stimulants.
RGN: He's a drug addict?
JUHANI: Was. He was killed in a fight. My mother was forced to support us herself... until she became ill from overwork and died. Then of course the Exchange took me into slavery to pay off her debts... (RGNgapes at her.) But forgive me -- I am sure you don't want to hear any more about my trivial problems.
RGN (guilt-ridden): Oh, Juhani...
Scene 5
The Hawk docks on Kashyyyk and the party leaves. JANOS WERTKA, a Czerka Corporation director, is waiting for them.
JANOS (subtitled): Welcome to Wookiee World, off-worlders. Please, follow me.
RGN: 'Wookiee World'?
They follow JANOS to the Czerka office. A Wookiee lies on the floor in a cage, which has a sign above it saying 'Please do not feed the Wookiee'.
JANOS: Now, how can I help you?
RGN: Er... about this planet? I thought it was called Kashyyyk.
JANOS: It was. However, in accordance with our requirements as Evil Monopolistic Corporate Bastards, we are currently transforming the entire world into a theme park manned by unpaid Wookiee labourers. (He indicates a stall selling 'My Little Wookiee' toys.) We also plan to build a chemical plant which will poison the water, and dump nuclear waste on a Native American reservation.
CARTH: But that's barbaric! And totally against EU regulations!
JANOS: This planet is not a member of the European Union, and its cuddly but backward citizens have no rights. So nyah.
RGN: Why do the Wookies allow you to do this?
JANOS: We have an... agreement with their leader, Chuundar. (ZAALBAR growls angrily.) Talk to him if you wish to learn more.
They leave the office. ZAALBAR is clearly less than happy about what he has just heard.
RGN: Zaalbar, do you know this Chuundar that he was talking about?
ZAALBAR (reluctantly): Well, if you must know...
RGN: (Holds up a hand) Let me guess. Father?
ZAALBAR: Brother, actually.
RGN: Close enough. So what happened between you and him?
ZAALBAR: We never got on very well. We used to argue all the time over who was the best kinrath hunter. Then eventually, my father banished me from the planet...
RGN: Because you argued about kinrath with Chuundar?
ZAALBAR: (Stares at his feet) I sort of attacked him as well.
MISSION (shocked): You attacked him? Why?
ZAALBAR: Well, it started as a disagreement over who'd killed a particularly large kinrath... but it turned into an argument about him helping Czerka kidnap Wookiees to build their theme park. I tried to explain to my father but he didn't believe me...
RGN: Well, maybe we'll be able to sort things out. I mean, surely they'll have forgiven you by now?
They are near the door to the Wookiee village, Rwookrrorro. A couple of Wookiee guards stare at ZAALBAR, and one of them spits in his direction.
GUARD #1: Get out of here, mad-claw!
GUARD #2: Yeah, we don't want your kind here!
RGN: Then again, maybe not.
GUARD #1: What are you outsiders doing here?
RGN: We want to speak to your leader.
GUARD #2: If you wish to speak with the Chieftain, you must prove yourself worthy!
RGN: And how do I do that? (GUARD #1 whispers something to GUARD #2, who smiles.)
GUARD #2: Well, you can start by saying 'Rwookrrorro'.
RGN: Rk... Rrrw... Rwooko...
Scene 6
Inside the Chieftain's hut. CHUUNDAR is lying on a luxurious-looking bed, smoking a large cigar and surrounded by what are presumably female Wookiees.
CHUUNDAR: Ah, brother Zaalbar. We meet again.
ZAALBAR: What are you doing in the Chieftain's hut? Where is our father?
CHUUNDAR: (Chuckles) Ah, poor Father. Such a shame about that little incident... but he had to be disposed of, I'm afraid.
ZAALBAR: 'Disposed of'? (Furious) What have you done to him?
CHUUNDAR: Zaalbar... I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but our father was a sex maniac. He was found to have 'interfered' with the daughters of several prominent locals. (Shakes his head) I know it must be painful for you to hear this...
ZAALBAR: Liar! You framed him because he discovered that you were helping the Czerka slavers!
CHUUNDAR: (Laughs) And who is going to believe that, dear brother? Remember, I am the Chieftain and you're just the mad-claw who attacked me.
ZAALBAR: You'll never get away with this, Chuundar!
CHUUNDAR: I already have. (Indicates the room around him) I let Czerka 'harvest' a few Wookiees every now and then, and they allow me to maintain my current lifestyle. A very satisfactory arrangement all round. (To RGN) Now, since you're here, I might as well make use of you. There is a mad Wookiee living in the Shadowlands who attacks everyone who approaches him; I wish you to get rid of him.
RGN: Why should I do this for you?
CHUUNDAR: Because I'm keeping Zaalbar as a hostage.
HK-47: Request: Please may I kill him now, master?
CHUUNDAR: I must remind you that there is a whole village of loyal Wookiees right outside. Do you propose to fight all of them?
CANDEROUS: I'm afraid he has a point.
RGN (reluctantly): Very well... I'll do what you ask. (Whispers to ZAALBAR) Just play along for now.
CHUUNDAR: Excellent. Oh, and do be careful in the Shadowlands -- we wouldn't want anyone getting lost...
The sound of his laughter follows them as they leave the hut and walk through the village.


Chapter 12: Crime and Punishment
Scene 1
Outside CHUUNDAR's hut in the village of Rwookrrorro. Several Czerka signs have been erected outside the huts, saying things like 'Tie-dyeing' and 'Wicker-basket weaving'. RGN is studying a map of 'Wookiee World' taken from the Czerka office.
RGN: Well, the Czerka-Coaster is this way (points), and the fast-food court is this way. Where shall we start?
CANDEROUS: Couldn't we just ditch the Wookiee and get the hell out of here? It's not like he ever has anything interesting to say for himself.
BASTILA: We're looking for the Star Map, remember? I really think it's time some of us started taking this mission a bit more seriously!
MISSION: But hey, Czerka gave us all-day passes! (BASTILA groans.) Look, at least let's search the village and see if there's anything we can steal.
CARTH: Steal from the Wookiees? Am I the only one who's getting increasingly uncomfortable with this?
MISSION: Yup. Sorry.
RGN: Hey, this is an RPG. Grabbing anything that isn't nailed down is practically a duty.
They enter a random villager's house. Two Wookiees, WOORWILL and JAARAK, stand inside.
RGN: Morning all.
JAARAK: Grrrrrr. Leave our house, outsiders! You defile Kashyyyk with your very presence!
CANDEROUS: Ooooh, touchy.
RGN: Well, so much for traditional Wookiee hospitality.
JAARAK: Why should we be hospitable to you outsiders? You have no respect for us! You enslave us, mock our sacred customs and force us to make stupid wicker baskets for the amusement of tourists!
WOORWILL: Oh, don't mind Jaarak. He's been a little moody ever since Rorworr disappeared.
RGN: When did Rowr- Rworr- when did your friend disappear?
WOORWILL: There is a mad outsider who lives in the Shadowlands, selling mood rings and healing crystals to the Wookiees who venture down there. Rorworr went down to buy a family-pack of scented candles for our Life Day celebrations, but he never came back...
RGN: Hmm, I think I sense another side-quest approaching. I wonder how this is going to tie into the main story?
Scene 2
The party members make their way down the walkway outside Rwookrrorro, slashing at the occasional bat or kinrath spider as they go. Near the bottom, CHORRAWL and some other Wookiees are fighting some viper kinrath.
CHORRAWL: What do you want, outsider?
RGN: I'd like to know what you think of Chuundar.
CHORRAWL (suspiciously): Why do you want to know?
RGN: I'm... uh... an opinion pollster for YouGov, and we're carrying out a survey of the political views of ordinary Wookiees. Would you mind answering a few questions?
CHORRAWL (momentarily flattered): Me? Well, I -- but no, I really shouldn't say.
RGN: Are you sure? It'll only take a few minutes. And I assure you that any information you provide will be kept absolutely confidential.
CHORRAWL: Well...
RGN: I could bring you back some scented candles from the Shadowlands.
CHORRAWL (tempted): Oh... very well, then. But only a few minutes!
RGN: Right. (Takes out a paper and pen) So you are male and... how old?
CHORRAWL: Forty-six.
RGN: OK. Now I'd like you to give me your honest opinion of your chieftain, Chuundar.
CHORRAWL: Well... to be absolutely honest, I think he's a bit sleazy.
RGN: So you're not planning to cast your vote for him?
CHORRAWL: Sorry?
RGN: Er... let me rephrase that. Would you support anyone who challenged Chuundar?
CHORRAWL (shocked): Challenge our Chieftain? But such a thing could only be done by the holder of Bacca's Fork!
RGN: Bacca's Fork?
CHORRAWL: Bacca was our greatest food connoisseur. He had an ornamental cutlery set of which he was very proud. (Seeing their faces) What is it? You think that just because we Wookiees live in tree-houses and have a lax attitude to personal hygiene, we have no culture?
RGN: Er... no, no, do go on.
CHORRAWL: Chuundar has the knife -- but the fork has been lost for generations. If it could be produced...
RGN: Right, I'll remember that.
The party leaves CHORRAWL behind and approaches the basket-like contraption that takes outsiders down to the Shadowlands. GORWOOKEN is there to operate it.
GORWOOKEN: Chuundar has commanded that I grant you access to the Shadowlands. Of course, if you outsiders could climb like us there would be no need --
BASTILA: All right, there's no need to rub it in!
They climb into the basket.
GORWOOKEN: We will now begin our descent into the Shadowlands. Please remain in your seats and keep your hands inside the basket at all times.
Scene 3
The dank, murky Shadowlands at the bottom of the huge wroshyr trees. The party members make their way cautiously through the mist; as they turn the corner they see an old man, JOLEE BINDO, surrounded by fierce katarns. Before they can react, he lets out a ferocious yell.
JOLEE: HIIIIIIII-YA!
He fells the katarns with a series of lightning-fast karate chops and turns to the others, who are staring in astonishment.
JOLEE: Well, thanks for all your help, you lot. I dunno, young people today...
MISSION: Why didn't you use your lightsaber?
JOLEE: Lightsaber?
RGN: The one attached to your belt.
JOLEE: (looking down) Oh... yes, of course. Hmph. Forget my own head next...
The others exchange glances.
RGN: Are you a Jedi?
JOLEE (mysteriously): Well, yes... and no.
RGN: (Sighs) I take it you're the 'mad outsider' the Wookiees keep talking about? The one who plays on their superstitions to sell them New Age crap at outrageous prices?
JOLEE: Hey, how did you kn- I mean, never mind who I am! If you want me to join your party, you'll have to complete a task for me.
BASTILA: Why would we want you to join our party?
CARTH: Well, we do have one spare bed in the men's cabin. (They look at him.) I was just saying.
JOLEE: Exactly! And you never know when you might need someone with Force powers who isn't... er... shackled by the overly stringent constraints of traditional Light Side behaviour codes.
RGN: Someone with no morals, in other words.
JOLEE: If you insist. So, will you do what I ask?
RGN: I'd prefer to hear what it is first.
JOLEE: Right, here you go: Czerka are clearing an area of forest to build a children's adventure playground, and the noise is doing my head in. I'm an old man, dammit, I need my sleep! Anyway, I want you to get rid of them -- by any means necessary.
RGN: Well, that doesn't sound too difficult...
Scene 4
The party approaches the clearing where the Czerka construction workers are going about their business.
HK-47: Query: I believe these are the Czerka meatbags we have been asked to dispose of, master. Shall I open fire?
RGN: HK, there's no need for us to kill them!
HK-47: Assurance: I need no motive to engage in mindless violence, master.
RGN (exasperated): Let's just try asking them politely first, shall we?
CANDEROUS: I'm with the droid. What is it with you Republic people? You're just a bunch of soft, effeminate --
CARTH (laughs): Effeminate? As opposed to tough, manly guys like you, huh, 'Candy'?
RGN: Shut it, you two. Now come on, we've got to think of something that'll persuade them to leave.
HK-47: Suggestion: If you must persist in this objectionable pacifism, master, could we not at least start a feud amongst them which would induce them to kill each other?
RGN: Any other suggestions?
BASTILA: We are Jedi, remember? Have you thought of using the Force?
CARTH: Oh yeah, great idea. After all, that worked really well on Tatooine, didn't it?
RGN: You got anything better, Carth? Thought not. Well, here goes. (He approaches the Czerka FOREMAN) Er, hello?
FOREMAN: What is it?
RGN: (Waves hand) You need to leave this planet.
FOREMAN: We need to leave this planet. (Suddenly puzzled) Why?
RGN (thinking quickly): You haven't got the parts you need and you've had to order them specially.
FOREMAN: We... we ain't got the parts we need, right, and we 'ad to order 'em special.
RGN: You have to pick them up from the depot on Coruscant.
FOREMAN: (Turns to men) Come on, lads, we gotter pick up the parts from the depot on Coruscant!
The builders disappear more quickly than would have seemed humanly possible. JOLEE emerges from behind a tree, where he had been observing the proceedings.
JOLEE: Nice work. Personally I would have just shot them, but... (Shrugs)
MISSION: (Spots something lying in the long grass) Hey, what's that?
They run over. It is Rorworr's body.
RGN: Well, I guess that's one mystery solved. (He picks up a datapad lying near the body.) And... I think I just found out who killed him as well.
Scene 5
The party is walking back towards Rwookrrorro.
RGN: Jolee, now that you've formally joined us, we might as well get this over with. Is there anything you want to tell me?
JOLEE (puzzled): Like what?
RGN: Well, for instance, do you have any long-lost relatives that we're likely to run into during our adventures? A disgruntled ex-lover, perhaps?
JOLEE: Er... not that I can think of.
RGN: Ah, then yours must be a Tragic Tale of Loss and Betrayal. (Makes a note) Just as long as I know what to expect...
They enter Rwookrrorro and head into WOORWILL's house.
RGN: OK, Woorwill, about your friend Rorworr? I've got bad news and... worse news.
WOORWILL: What? Tell me!
RGN: The bad news is that he's been killed. (WOORWILL gasps.) And the worse news is that I think Jaarak did it.
JAARAK: What? LIES! I demand to see your evidence for this ridiculous claim!
RGN: Well, how about this embroidered handkerchief of yours which I found near his body?
JAARAK: That proves nothing! I lost it while I was out hunting.
RGN: And this datapad with a message written in Rorworr's blood, saying 'IT WAS JAARAK, HE KILLED ME'?
JAARAK: Oh. Yes, I suppose that is pretty damning.
CARTH: So why did you kill him?
JAARAK: You don't understand... He had made a deal with Czerka to turn our children's nurseries into petting zoos!
RGN: Ah. I see.
JAARAK (sagging): So what should I do? What's going to happen to me?
RGN: I don't know. What's the penalty for murder on Kashyyyk?
JAARAK: I think they throw you into the Shadowlands...
BASTILA: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
JAARAK: ...after cutting off your hands, feet, and head.
RGN: Right. Well, you might want to get yourself a good defence lawyer...
Scene 6
The house of WORRROZNOR, Holder of the Laws.
WORRROZNOR: What is it, outsiders? Do you come here to gloat over us and make fun of our sacr-
CARTH: No! Just for once, couldn't you give us the benefit of the doubt? Jeez, and people call me paranoid...
RGN: I've found out what happened to Rorworr, the Wookiee who disappeared. I'm afraid he's been murdered.
WORRROZNOR (horrified): No! Have you found out who did it?
RGN: Well, it wasn't easy. The murderer was smart, but he made one fatal mistake: leaving his own handkerchief at the scene of the crime.
JOLEE: And leaving Rorworr alive long enough to write a message saying who killed him.
RGN: Oh, yes. So two fatal mistakes, really.
WORRROZNOR: So who was it?
Two other Wookiees enter, dragging JAARAK between them.
WORRROZNOR (shocked): Jaarak, you killed Rorworr? But I thought he was your friend!
JAARAK: (Bows his head) Yes, I killed him.
WORRROZNOR: Then you must suffer the penalty for murder: death!
RGN: Hang on. Jaarak, aren't you going to explain why you killed Rorworr?
JAARAK: No. For no particular reason, I've decided it's better that my family and friends think I just go around randomly killing people.
ALL: What?
RGN: Sod it, I've had enough of this. Rorworr had made a deal with Czerka to put the Wookiee children in zoos!
WORRROZNOR: Is this true, Jaarak?
JAARAK: (Sighs) Yes. It's all there in that datapad.
WORRROZNOR: Oh... well, I guess that changes things. OK, Jaarak, you're free to go.
RGN: Hold it, he still murdered someone. Are you saying there's no penalties in between 'slow, painful death' and 'go free'?
WORRROZNOR (threateningly): Are you implying that our society is primitive in some way?
CANDEROUS (mutters): You said it, not us.
WORRROZNOR: Anyway, thank you for your help, outsider. Because you found the body, you get a reward equivalent to a third of Rorworr's possessions.
RGN: Wow, really? (Remembers himself) Actually... no, I'm a Jedi, I don't need a reward.
ALL: RGN!!
WORRROZNOR: No, really, I insist. (He gives RGN some credits.)
CARTH: Nice to see virtue rewarded for once. (Looks meaningfully in the direction where he imagines the KOTOR writers to be.)
Scene 7
Outside WORRROZNOR's house. As RGN steps out of the house, he is suddenly bathed in a heavenly glow. A cloud of glittering stars engulfs him, small birds and butterflies flutter around him, and grass and flowers spontaneously sprout beneath his feet.
CARTH: Don't look now, RGN, but I think you've become a saint or something.
RGN: Light Side Mastery! Excellent.
BASTILA (approvingly): Very nice. I particularly like the halo.
HK-47 (moans): Despair: Oh, cruel Fate, how could you do this to me?
RGN: So do you trust me now, Carth?
CARTH: No.
RGN: (Sighs) Somehow I imagined you'd say that.
MISSION: So, RGN, I guess this makes you officially the most perfect Jedi ever?
RGN (modestly): Now that you mention it, I suppose it does.
JOLEE, who has been struggling to control himself throughout this exchange, suddenly bursts out laughing. The others watch in astonishment as he doubles over, almost choking with laughter. Finally he manages to stop long enough to speak.
JOLEE: Sorry, sorry. (Chuckles again, wiping tears from his eyes.) But oh, boy, are you guys in for a shock later...

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