Chapter 4: Take Me To The Promised Land
RGN and CARTH come out of the elevator into the Undercity, where they are met by two ragged and dirty beggars.
BEGGAR #1: You there! This is our elevator. You have to pay us five credits!
CARTH: Would you believe this place? Even the beggars are trying to get money out of us. (Pauses) Hang on... that didn't entirely make sense, did it?
RGN (to beggars): Who are you?
BEGGAR #2: We are the Outcasts, banished and reviled by those who dwell above! Here in the filth and darkness we claw out a wretched existence, scavenging and begging just to survive long enough to see another wretched day!
CARTH and RGN exchange glances.
RGN: Well-educated beggars, obviously.
BEGGAR #2: Look, I spent a long time on that line, OK? Just cough up the credits already!
RGN: Oh, all right. Here's 20 credits for that impressively poetic speech.
BEGGAR #1: Credits, my brother! We have credits! Now we can buy crack and heroi- ahem, 'food and medicine'!
BEGGAR #2: Come on, before they change their minds! (They scamper off).
They wander off into the village. RUKIL, a wild-eyed elderly Outcast, is standing outside one of the tents.
RGN (to RUKIL): Excuse me, please, could you --
RUKIL: You -- you come from the world above! Is this the time of destiny, then? Is this a portent of the salvation of my people? Or merely another false sign to mislead us from the path? Are you the herald of prophecy? The beacon to guide us through the darkness? Or are you merely another harbinger of shattered dreams and unfulfilled promises? Speak to me, up-worlder! Tell me what fate you unleash upon us -- salvation or damnation!
RGN: (Lost for words) Well, um... nice to meet you too.
RUKIL: My name is Rukil, the oldest Outcast here in the village. Would you like to hear the history and legends of our people? (Before they can reply) A century ago, this planet was --
RGN (interrupting): Mr Rukil? I'm sure it's a great story, but we're kind of hoping to get off this planet some time in the next month or so. Perhaps you could just explain what you want us to do?
RUKIL (offended): Very well! Don't listen to my story, then. Go, find the journals that will lead us to the Promised Land!
CARTH: 'Promised Land'?
RGN (whispers): I think it's best not to ask. (To RUKIL) And what's in it for us, exactly?
RUKIL: Light Side points and a warm fuzzy feeling of satisfaction.
RGN: Fair enough. Where might we find these journals?
RUKIL: Well, I know my last apprentice was searching the sewers when she disappeared.
CARTH: Oh, not the damn sewers again! What else is in there, a map of the Lost Golden City of Eldorado?
RUKIL: Funny you should mention that --
RGN: Maybe some other time, OK?
RGN and CARTH walk through the rakghoul-infested Undercity beyond the village gate. The body of a dead Sith soldier lies on the ground. RGN walks over and begins to search the body.
RGN: Hmm, what have we here? (He holds up a vial of liquid with the words 'Rakghoul Serum' on it.)
CARTH: Good thing they thought to label it, huh?
Suddenly a frantic-looking MISSION runs up to them.
MISSION: Please, you have to help me! Nobody else is going to help me. Even the Beks won't help me! But you'll help me, won't you?
RGN: Hang on - help you with what, exactly?
MISSION: My math homework... (Sobs) I've been stuck for hours on Question 2, and Mrs Carter will give me detention if I don't hand it in tomorrow...
CARTH: Where's your friend Zaalbar?
MISSION: Zaalbar? Oh, he got lost in the sewers somewhere. I think maybe he was captured by slavers or something... anyway, are you going to help me?
RGN: The sewers? Hang on -- would you by any chance have heard about the secret entrance to the Vulkar base?
MISSION: Oh, yeah! Everyone knows about the secret entrance.
RGN: Well, here's an idea: if you help us find the entrance, we'll help you with your homework. Deal?
MISSION: Sure. Thanks!
They walk towards the entrance to the sewers.
MISSION: So what do you guys think of Taris?
CARTH: Do you want the real answer or the polite one?
MISSION: Hey, Taris isn't that bad! Yeah, so maybe it's dirty, polluted, overcrowded, crime-ridden, prejudiced, class-obsessed... okay, I can't actually think of anything good to say about it, but it's still my home!
RGN: How did you come to be here in the first place?
MISSION: My brother Griff brought me here when I was a baby. He taught me all the tricks I know: how to con old ladies out of their life's savings, how to hack into people's bank accounts...
RGN: Er... I'm not entirely sure those are good skills to have, Mission...
MISSION: Hey, I have to make a living somehow! Pokémon cards don't come cheap, you know! Anyway, Griff was a great brother -- until he left.
RGN: Why did he leave?
MISSION: I don't want to talk about it.
RGN: Oh, not you as well!
RGN: Nothing. (He takes out a piece of paper on which he has written 'Carth: trust issues' and adds 'Mission: brother.')
Inside the sewers. CARTH turns a corner and nearly trips over a pile of books lying on the floor.
CARTH: Ow! What was that?
RGN picks up one of the books and opens it.
RGN: Well, who'd have thought it? It's the long-lost Promised Land journals, just lying here in the sewer. How convenient.
Suddenly they hear a commotion in the distance. A moment later, ZAALBAR comes running up to them.
MISSION: Hey, Zaalbar, you escaped!
ZAALBAR (subtitled): Mission! I'm so glad to see you. I guess you were coming to rescue me?
MISSION (laughs uncomfortably): Uh... yeah, that's right... (Changes the subject quickly.) These are my new friends, Big Z. They're going to help me with my homework.
ZAALBAR: Really? (Stares at RGN) Then there is only one way I can ever repay such an act: I will swear a life-debt to you!
MISSION (whispers): Don't worry, he says this to everyone he meets.
RGN: So... what does this entail, exactly?
ZAALBAR: I follow you around wherever you go, basically.
CARTH: What, everywhere?
ZAALBAR: Almost everywhere. If you want me to come into the bathroom with you and sleep by your bed, you have to pay extra.
RGN: Er... no offence, but I think I'll stick with the free version.
ZAALBAR: Suit yourself...
They set off. There is an uncomfortable silence.
RGN: So, Zaalbar, don't you have anything to say about yourself?
ZAALBAR: Not really.
RGN: Come on, there must be something.
ZAALBAR: Only... that I was banished from my home planet. But --
RGN: You don't want to talk about it. Right. (Takes out piece of paper and adds: 'Zaalbar: unspecified disgrace.') OK, why don't you go back to the apartment while I take the interesting party members with me?
In the Upper Sewers, the party walks down a long corridor. A strange growling noise can be heard from behind the door at the end.
CARTH (stopping suddenly): OK... am I imagining things, or is that a human arm lying on the ground there?
MISSION: Uh-oh... guess the thing about the rancor wasn't just a rumor, then.
RGN: A rancor? Mission, were you planning to mention this at some point?
MISSION: Sorry. I forgot.
RGN: How are we going to get past it?
CARTH: Aren't you supposed lure them out with virgins chained to rocks or something? (MISSION takes a step backwards, looking worried.)
RGN: I think that's dragons, Carth.
CARTH: Well, what do you suggest?
RGN: Maybe we should try to understand its motivation.
CARTH: Ha, ha...
MISSION: Well, I guess we could just wait here until it dies of old age.
RGN: A brilliant suggestion, Mission. Tell me, just out of interest: what do you think the chances are of it dying of old age before the swoop race tomorrow?
There is a tremendous 'thump' from the next room, as if something very large has fallen to the floor. RGN and CARTH stare at each other, then at MISSION.
MISSION (shrugs): There's your answer, I guess...
They creep past the rancor's body, which mysteriously disappears behind them, and enter the Black Vulkar base. No one is in sight. MISSION goes up to a computer terminal by the wall and begins to slice into it.
CARTH: Now, there's a lot more of them than us, so we'd better think strategically about this. Maybe if we start by luring a few of them over here, we could kill them and steal their uniforms, then --
RGN: (Looks over MISSION's shoulder) Or, we could simply use the computer to turn on the poison gas dispensers they've helpfully installed in each room.
CARTH: Oh, please tell me you're kidding.
RGN: I'm afraid not...
The Hidden Beks' base, several hours and many, many baths later. RGN and the others enter and walk up to GADON.
RGN: Well, we got the prototype back.
GADON: You found it? Wonderful! I hope you're ready for the big race tomorrow?
RGN: Excuse me?
GADON: Er... didn't I tell you?
CARTH (suspiciously): Tell us what?
GADON: Well... you see, there's one teeny, tiny problem with this prototype engine: it might just blow up if it gets overheated. So of course, I can't risk any of my riders on it. However, if you yourself would like to participate in the race...
RGN: What? But I've never even ridden a swoop bike before!
GADON: Ah. Yes, that may put you at a slight disadvantage...
RGN (helplessly): Carth, couldn't you ride it? You're a pilot, after all!
CARTH: That would be too sensible. Besides, I'm just the sidekick.
MISSION: Sorry, no can do. I get motion sickness.
RGN (exasperated): Oh, fine! Fine! I'll ride in the damn swoop race -- after all, it's only the fate of the entire galaxy that depends on whether I live or die!
GADON (cheerfully): That's the spirit! Don't worry, there's at least a fifty-percent chance that you'll make it out alive. And even if you don't... well, there's still a chance that one of the other Beks might win, isn't there?
RGN: Oh, thanks, that's a great comfort!
They leave the base, RGN looking distinctly unhappy.
MISSION: Cheer up, RGN, it may never happen!
RGN: Whatever. Come on, I guess we'd better go and give old Rukil Wrinkle-Brain his Promised Land journals...
Back in the Upper City, the party enters ZELKA's medical facility.
ZELKA: Hey, you're still ali- I mean, you're back?
RGN: We got your serum, Zelka.
ZELKA: Impossible! Let me see it. (Grabs the serum) Why, yes... this is it!
RGN: How can you possibly tell just by looking at it?
ZELKA: Because it says 'rakghoul serum' on the label, of course! Anyway, I suppose you'll be wanting a reward?
RGN (magnanimously): Don't woory about it, Zelka. We don't need a reward.
CARTH: Hey, hang on a minute --
ZELKA: Why, you truly have a noble and generous spirit! (He throws CARTH a filthy look, then smiles sweetly again as he turns back to RGN.) Tell you what, I'll give you a discount whenever you shop at my store. Came back soon!
The party leaves the medical facility. CARTH looks somewhat annoyed.
CARTH: RGN, you do realise you're not actually a Jedi yet?
RGN: I'm practising. Besides, he did say he'd give us a discount.
CARTH: Yes, well, one slight problem there, viz. the fact that we don't actually have any money left.
RGN: What, none at all? How come?
CARTH: Well, if you'll remember, yesterday you gave 200 credits to a guy who claimed to have a bounty on his head, but is probably now relaxing in front of his new state-of-the-art home entertainment system. Then you gave 20 credits to a couple of beggars, which will probably keep them in illegal mood-altering substances for a couple of weeks --
RGN: You always try to see the worst in everyone, don't you Carth? Anyway, it was you who insisted on buying Palpatines's Sword of Political Backstabbing --
CARTH: Hey, it was worth it! And you got Gunray's Armour of Tax Avoidance, so you can't complain!
MISSION: Guys, cool down! There's no need to worry about money, I'll just steal --
MISSION: Well, then, I could con --
CARTH: No! No more crime, OK? And before you ask, we've already stripped bare every apartment in the city.
RGN: Look, the swoop race isn't till tomorrow. I'm sure we can find a way to earn some credits.
RGN: Christ, no! We're not that desperate.
They approach the Upper City cantina. Some 'Help Wanted' notices are attatched to the door.
RGN (studying the notices): Strippers... table-dancers... duelists... hmm, now there's a thought!
Later that evening. A smoky room in the cantina, filled with young, rowdy and very drunk Tarisian women. They are raucously cheering a pair of scantily-clad men gyrating on one of the table-tops.
WOMEN: Get 'em off!
CARTH (hisses): This is so humiliating.
RGN (hisses back): Well, I didn't see you come up with any better ideas!
Chapter 5: Top Gear
The next day, RGN arrives at the swoop track with one of the Beks, who directs him to his swoop bike. It has a distinctly 'home-made' look about it.
RGN: That's what I'm going to be riding?
BEK: This swoop? Why, this swoop is automatic. It's systematic. It's --
RGN: OK, OK, I get the idea. Just don't start singing, for God's sake! (Shakes his head.) Could we please just get this over and done w- (Suddenly he spots BASTILA, who is imprisoned in a cage, dressed in a skimpy slave-girl outfit. He stares at her, momentarily forgetting about the swoop.)
RGN: Just a minute... (He wanders over to the cage. A GUARD stands by it.)
GUARD: Hey, no trying to free the prisoner before the race! In any case, she can't walk -- we tied her shoelaces together.
RGN: You bastards!
BEK (calls over): Time to start the race, RGN... (RGN walks back to the swoop.) OK, the controls are easy enough: you press this button to accelerate and use this joystick-thing to steer.
RGN: How do I brake?
BEK: You don't. Though if you're desperate, I suppose you could try smashing into something... anyway, let's just hope the prototype engine holds up.
RGN: How will I know if it isn't holding up?
BEK: You'll probably be able to tell when the swoop bursts into flames.
RGN: I'm going to die, aren't I?
He gets into the swoop.
RACE ANNOUNCER: Ready... Get set... Go!
Panicked, RGN presses down on the accelerator. The swoop shoots forward at breakneck speed and clips a piece of debris on the track, sending it spinning out of control.
The swoop bumps into the wall, sending it hurtling back in the other direction. It smashes through another piece of debris. Suddenly, RGN hears a mysterious voice in his head.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Use the Force, RGN!
RGN: Hey, what the -- (He loses concentration and the swoop swerves, hitting an accelerator pad. It shoots forward across the finish line. Everyone surrounds RGN, clapping and cheering.)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the winner of this year's swoop race!
RGN: I... I won?
BREJIK, the leader of the Vulkars, marches up. He looks utterly furious.
BREJIK: No fair! You cheated! I'M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE!
BEK: Brejik, you can't withdraw a victory prize after the race!
BREJIK: Can too! If I want to sell this woman on the slave market myself, nobody can stop me!
BASTILA (calmly): I might have something to say about that, Brejik. (Everyone turns in shock as she steps out of the cage.)
BREJIK: What? Impossible! Your shoelaces were tied together -- in a knot!
BASTILA: You underestimate the skills of a former Girl Guide, Brejik -- a mistake you won't live to regret! (She grabs a sword from the guard's body.)
BREJIK: Vulkars, to me! Kill the swoop rider! Kill the popcorn vendor! Kill them all!
An enormous fight breaks out, at the end of which RGN and BASTILA are the only ones left standing. BASTILA shoves her last opponent to the ground.
BASTILA: Damn, I broke a fingernail! (Turns to RGN.) As for you, if you think you can collect me as a prize... wait, I don't believe this! You're... you're that guy off the telly, aren't you?
RGN: Er, I don't think --
BASTILA: No, wait, don't tell me your name -- it'll come to me in a moment. T, I know it begins with a T...
RGN: Actually, I'm a Republic soldier. I came to rescue you --
BASTILA: Rescue me? Hmph. Typical man. I suppose you think all women are helpless weaklings who need a big strong man to protect them? (Before he can answer) I managed to free myself, in case you hadn't noticed. And before you even think of asking, you have absolutely no chance whatsoever of getting me to sleep with you.
RGN: OK, I get the idea. I guess this wouldn't be the best time to tell you I've been having dreams about you? (She gives him an icy stare.) No, I thought not. Fine, let's get back to Carth and the others. (Looks her up and down) Oh, and you might want to change out of the Xena: Warrior Princess outfit.
She glowers at him.
The ship we saw earlier in RGN's dream. BASTILA and a couple of other Jedi face a mysterious figure in a black cloak and mask.
BASTILA: You cannot win, Revan!
There is a long pause. REVAN twirls his lightsaber.
BASTILA: So, er... are we going to fight now?
There is an enormous explosion. When the smoke clears, everyone but BASTILA is lying dead or unconscious. We see her horrified face as she bends over REVAN's body...
Back in the apartment, the party members are gathered together. BASTILA has somehow got hold of a rather fetching flesh-coloured jumpsuit.
BASTILA: So, you don't even have a plan to get off the planet? What on earth have you been doing all this time?
CARTH: Fighting Vulkars, crawling through sewers, throwing money around like there's no tomorrow...
MISSION: ... lap-dancing...
CARTH (bristling): It was not lap-dancing, Missy, it was table-dancing! And we had a good reason for -- (He catches BASTILA's eye and suddenly stops, embarrased.)
BASTILA: Never mind, I really don't think I want to know. (Changing the subject) So how are we supposed to escape the planet?
CARTH: Hang on a minute. There's a much more important issue to sort out first: which of us is going to be the party leader?
BASTILA: Excuse me? Quite apart from the fact that I'm a Jedi, I was under the impression that I was in charge of this mission -- and besides, I have a sophisticated English accent. I rest my case.
CARTH: Oh yeah? Well, I'm the one with years of military experience. What were you planning to do, talk the Sith to death?
RGN: Children, children! No need to quarrel; there's a simple way to decide this. (He takes a coin out of his pocket.) Heads or tails?
CARTH (quickly): Heads.
BASTILA: I wanted heads!
CARTH: Well, I said it first, so there!
MISSION: And people call me childish...
Suddenly there is a knock on the door.RGN approaches it cautiously.
RGN: Who's there?
RGN: Police who?
MESSENGER: Police open the door, I've got a message for you... (RGN opens the door.) Are you the rider who won the swoop race? (He nods.) Well, Canderous Ordo wants to meet you in the cantina. I think he knows a way to get off the planet.
RGN: Really? Just as we were looking for one, as well -- what a coincidence. (Turns to the others) Guys, we --
He stops. BASTILA and CARTH are paying him no attention; they are arm-wrestling on one of the tables.
CARTH: No fair, you're using the Force!
BASTILA: No, I'm not! You just don't want to admit that I'm as strong as you!
RGN: Right, well, when you've quite finished...
The party walks through the street towards the cantina.
MISSION: So, Bastila: what's it like being a Jedi?
Several passers-by and Sith troopers hear the word 'Jedi' and turn to look at them suspiciously.
BASTILA: Could you say that a little louder, Mission? I think there may have been some Sith on the other side of the planet who didn't quite hear.
MISSION: Oops. Sorry...
RGN: Anyway, Bastila, about these dreams I've been having...
BASTILA: You're Force-sensitive.
RGN: How can you tell?
BASTILA: Well, for starters, you won that swoop race. And given the way you were riding, I'd say the Force had to be working really hard at that one...
They enter the cantina. CANDEROUS, a large and thuggish-looking Mandalorian, is waiting for them.
CANDEROUS: Hi, I'm Canderous Ordo. I heard you were looking for a deus ex machina?
RGN: That's right.
CANDEROUS: Well, I work as hired muscle for Davik at the moment. But I'm running out of people to kill and I'm getting bored, so I decided to find a way off the planet.
RGN: What does this have to do with me?
CANDEROUS: Well, I saw you riding in that swoop race, and I figured you were probably enough of an idiot to go along with my crazy plan. If you can steal the codes to bypass the Sith blockade from their base, I can steal Davik's ship and we'll escape together. Deal?
RGN (to others): Anyone object to working with a psychopathic Mandalorian assassin? (All the others raise their hands.) Well, too bad, 'cause we don't have a choice. (To CANDEROUS) Deal.
CANDEROUS: Great. Go to the droid shop and pick up a T3-M4 unit; it'll help you break into the base.
JANICE NALL's droid shop.
JANICE (subtitled): What can I do for you today?
RGN: I'm looking for a T3-M4 unit.
JANICE: Well, it just so happens that I have one right here. Excellent codebreaker, fantastic security, programming and droid repair skills... oh, and he also sends faxes and comes with a variety of different ringtones.
RGN: Sounds great. Can I buy it?
JANICE: Unfortunately it's reserved for a special customer... a guy called Canderous Ordo.
RGN: Oh, er... that'd be me.
JANICE: Really? Well, why didn't you say so? That'll be 2000 credits, please.
CARTH: Don't you need to see any ID or anything?
JANICE: Meh, can't be bothered. Surely you wouldn't take advantage of me by pretending to be Canderous, would you? (They hand over the money and leave the shop.)
CARTH: Great, another 2000 credits down the drain...
MISSION (mischievously): Well, if we're short of money than maybe Bastila could --
BASTILA: No, I am not going to do any lap-dancing!
MISSION: Hey, how did you know what I was going to say?
They approach the Sith base.
RGN: You know, maybe we could just skip this bit? We already did the Vulkar base, and this one's pretty much the same. Besides, I think the author is running out of ways to mock the way everyone installs exploding power conduits and poison gas vents in their inner sanctum.
CARTH: Good idea.
Many hours of tedious hack-'n-slash later...
RGN (going up to CANDEROUS): OK, we got the codes; now get us off the planet!
CANDEROUS: Wow, you survived! Maybe you're not as stupid as I thought. OK, let's get over to Davik's estate...
Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Sith flagship Leviathan, DARTH MALAK is pacing up and down in stereotypical Evil Overlord fashion. SAUL KARATH, his long-suffering henchman, approaches.
SAUL: You summoned me, Lord Malak?
MALAK: The search for Bastila is taking too long. We cannot risk her escaping Taris. Destroy the planet!
SAUL: Th... the entire planet? But... Lord Malak, think of the PR consequences! Don't you think it might damage our efforts to project an image of 'compassionate facism'?
MALAK: Do you know what happened to the last person who questioned my orders, Admiral Karath?
SAUL (timidly): But my Lord, we discussed this before, remember? Why it's not a good idea to blow up an entire planet in order to kill one person?
MALAK: Don't be ridiculous, Admiral. The chances of Bastila escaping the planet before its destruction are a million to one.
SAUL: Oh, well, that's - (Pauses suddenly) Hang on, a million to one? Oh, bugger...
Chapter 6: The Great Escape
Inside the estate of DAVIK KANG, head of the crime syndicate known as the Exchange. DAVIK and CALO NORD are there to greet them.
CALO: Well, Canderous, I see you're taking on partners now. Couldn't hack it on your own, huh?
CANDEROUS: Beat it, Frodo. (To DAVIK) Davik, I've brought someone you might be interested in recruiting: the guy who won the Taris swoop championship.
DAVIK: Ah yes, RGN. Well, you're a crap rider, but you didn't do too badly in the fight afterwards. Why don't you stay here for a few days while I do some background checks?
RGN: Background checks?
DAVIK: Well, I can't have just anyone joining my criminal empire, can I? I mean, I do have standards to maintain. (Leads them to their rooms.) Here are your quarters. Make sure you don't leave them!
RGN: Can't we explore the rest of the estate?
DAVIK: Why? You're not thinking of trying to steal my precious Ebon Hawk, are you? (He laughs heartily. After a slight pause, everyone else joins in.)
A short time later...
CANDEROUS: (Flings open the hangar door) Right, you lot get on board the ship while I disable the security system --
RGN: I think it may be a little late for that, Canderous.
DAVIK and CALO are standing in front of them, arms folded.
DAVIK: Going somewhere, Canderous?
CANDEROUS: (Looks around in mock astonishment) Er... you mean this isn't the way to the bathroom?
DAVIK: Nice try. (To CALO) Get 'em!
CALO: A pleasure. (Takes out a thermal detonator.) No one makes fun of my height and gets away with it!
At that precise moment, a Sith battleship fires on the estate. The roof caves in, burying CALO and DAVIK in rubble. The others stand there for a moment, gaping in astonishment.
MISSION: Wow... I never thought the Sith would end up saving our lives.
RGN: It is somewhat ironic, isn't it?
As the Ebon Hawk escapes Taris, the crew stares down at the city. The Sith fleet is pounding it into dust.
CARTH: Well, so much for all those hours we spent trying to help people!
CANDEROUS (watching the buildings explode): Pretty awesome, huh?
Everyone stares at him in silence.
CANDEROUS: Hey, what did I say?
Suddenly an explosion rocks the Hawk.
CARTH: Incoming fighters! Quick, get to the gun turrets and hold them off!
RGN: Right, who knows how to use the gun turrets? (There is silence.) Come on, there must be someone! (More silence.) Oh, God, why does it always have to be me?
He runs to the gun turrets and desperately tries to target the Sith fighters. Unfortunately, the Hawk's shields are depleted within about 10 seconds.
CARTH: We're hit! Damage is critical! The Hawk won't hoAAAAAARRGH...
Everything goes black.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Damn!
But wait! All is not lost. Miraculously, our heroes are suddenly thrown back in time to the point just before the Sith attack.
CARTH: Incoming fighters! Quick, get to the gun turrets and hold them off!
RGN: Second time lucky...
He runs to the gun turrets and desperately tries to target the Sith fighters. This time it takes about 15 seconds for the Hawk's shields to fail.
CARTH: We're hit! Damage is critical! The Hawk won't hoAAAAAARRGH...
Everything goes black.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: God, I $&%!*# hate this &#*%!$ game...
Seven more tries later, RGN finally manages to destroy all the Sith fighters. The Hawk goes into hyperspace.
CARTH: You did it, RGN! And we've only taken 93% damage. Way to go!
RGN (shudders): I hope I never have to do that again.
EVIL BIOWARE DEVELOPER: Muahahahaha! Just you wait...
The Hawk flies through space, putting as much space between the party and Taris as possible.
BASTILA: Plot a course for Dantooine.
CARTH: Why Dantooine?
BASTILA: There's a fashion emporium there and I need some new outfits. Oh, and we should probably visit the Jedi enclave as well.
RGN wanders over to MISSION.
RGN: Are you okay, Mission?
MISSION: Yeah, I guess... why?
RGN: You're not, um... traumatised or anything? What with your home planet being destroyed and all?
MISSION: What? Oh, Taris... nah, it was a crappy place anyway. Can we go search for my brother now?
RGN: I suppose so. What happened to him?
MISSION: He fell in love with some slutty bitch called Lena, and they just ran off and left me on Taris.
RGN: And do you have any idea where they might have gone?
MISSION: Er... not as such, no. But we can search the galaxy, right?
RGN: Yeah, I guess. What the hell, it should only take us about 300 years...
The ship finally reaches Dantooine, a beautiful grassy planet, and docks at the Jedi enclave.
BASTILA (to RGN): Right, let's go to the Council and see about getting you trained as a Jedi.
RGN: Whoa, whoa! Jedi? I thought the Jedi didn't accept adults for training?
BASTILA: Somehow I have this strange feeling that they'll make an exception in your case.
They walk through the enclave to the Council chamber. Inside, four Jedi Masters -VROOK, ZHAR, VANDAR and DORAK - are waiting for RGN.
ZHAR: Ah, so you are the one who rescued Bastila.
BASTILA: Hey, wait a minute --
RGN: Yep, that's me. (He grins at BASTILA, who looks furious.)
ZHAR: We are considering you for Jedi training. Well, actually we've already made up our minds, but we're going to put on a show of needing more time for the sake of appearances. Master Vrook, I believe you're playing devil's advocate?
VROOK: Ah yes, thank you for reminding me. (Glances at script.) 'But are you certain Revan is truly dead? What if we undertake to train this one, and the Dark Lord should return?'
RGN: Hang on, what are you talking about?
ZHAR: Er... nothing. Nothing at all. Look, why don't you go back to the ship while we pretend to discuss this?
Another dream. REVAN, still cloaked, and a younger-looking MALAK stand outside the door of a sinister-looking cave.
MALAK (nervously): Revan, are you sure this is a good idea? There could be spiders in there. I hate spiders.
REVAN remains silent. He waves a hand at the door and it slides open.
MALAK: Rev, you can talk now. It's only me, Malak... (REVAN says nothing.) Are you even listening to me? Revan, I... I think I love you. (REVAN continues to ignore him.) You're not listening, are you?
They walk over to a strange-looking machine, which opens up to reveal a holographic map. The dream fades away.
The next morning. RGN re-enters the Council chamber, where BASTILA and the Masters are waiting.
VANDAR: (Puts on a big smile) Congratulations, RGN! You have been selected for Jedi training. Any questions?
RGN: Do I have any choice in this whatsoever?
RGN: Do I have to wear those stupid robes?
DORAK: Yes. (He hands RGN a sheet of paper.) Your timetable.
RGN: (Studies timetable) Lightsaber Construction 101... Avoiding the Dark Side 301... hang on, ballroom dancing?
VROOK: A vital part of the Jedi training! Do not mock what you cannot understand, young one!
RGN: Whatever you say, Master... How long does the training last, anyway?
ZHAR: Well, normally about 15 years, but you have four weeks. I hope you're a quick learner...
We see a montage of RGN in training, meditating and duelling with BASTILA. Four weeks later...
ZHAR: Astonishing! You have achieved in weeks what most cannot manage in years. Why, anyone would think you'd been a Jedi before... (He laughs rather too loudly.)
RGN: What should I do now?
ZHAR: Well, you need to learn the Jedi Code, and you have to choose what type of Jedi you want to be -- a Guardian, Sentinel or Consular. (He leads RGN to a computer.) Here, take this 'How Jedi Are You?' personality test.
RGN: Hmm... it says I'm Mace Windu. How does this help me decide which to pick?
ZHAR: Well, it doesn't really. The most important question is, what colour lightsaber do you want?
RGN: Um... yellow?
ZHAR: Sentinel it is!
RGN constructs his lightsaber.
RGN: So am I a Padawan now?
ZHAR: Not quite. You still have to redeem a fellow Jedi who's fallen to the Dark Side.
RGN: This, er... happens on a regular basis, does it?
ZHAR: Oh, you wouldn't believe...
RGN walks out across the fields of Dantooine with the others -- apart from BASTILA, who is still in the enclave. CANDEROUS is relating his experiences as a Mandalorian warrior.
CANDEROUS: ...and then we tied up all the prisoners and bashed their heads in with iron bars. (He chuckles at the memory, oblivious to the others' horrified expressions.) Ah, happy days... So, Carth, you got any good war stories?
CARTH: Look, Canderous, not all of us find brutal war crimes amusing, OK?
CANDEROUS: What's that? Don't tell me you're one of those pinko liberal sissy pacifists, Carth...
CARTH: No, I'm not! I just don't happen to enjoy killing people the way you do, you sadistic freak!
RGN (interrupting): Look, perhaps you two could continue this highly intellectual discussion some other time? We've got more important things to think about right n- (Suddenly they hear the sound of mournful singing emanating from the sacred grove. JUHANI, a Cathar woman, is standing among the ruins.)
JUHANI: MEMOREEEE, all alone in the MOOONLIIIIGHT, I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful thennn...
RGN (approaching): Excuse me, miss? I --
JUHANI (heavy Russian accent): How dare you interrupt my singing! I VILL BE YOUR DOOM!
She uses the Force to freeze the others, then leaps at RGN, her lightsaber drawn. There is a brief skirmish, but he is too strong for her and she falls back, defeated.
RGN: (Deactivates saber) So what was all that about?
JUHANI (angrily): I am Juhani, and this is my grove. This is the place of my dark power. When I embraced the dark side, this was where I sought my solace. It is MINE! MINE, I tell you! (There is a pause.)
RGN: That time of the month, is it?
JUHANI: Oh, get out of here!
RGN: Sorry. No, seriously, why don't you tell me what happened?
JUHANI: I killed my Master. I struck her down in the middle of training, consumed by my anger, embracing the power of hate! And... and I think I may be a lesbian. I'm so confused... (She begins to sob.)
RGN (soothingly): Come now, Juhani. You are a beautiful woman with much talent and... er... a great singing voice.
JUHANI: (Looks up hopefully) Really? You liked my singing?
RGN: (Crosses fingers behind his back) Yes.
JUHANI: Oh. Well... perhaps you are right. But... but how will the other Masters ever forgive me for killing Quatra? And what about the lesbian thing?
RGN: I'm sure it won't take them long to get over it. Oh, and here's a hint: don't ask, don't tell.
JUHANI: Yes. Yes, I suppose you have a point. I will return to the Council and ask for forgiveness. Thank you for saving me from the Dark Side, master Jedi! (She skips off, humming to herself.)
RGN (staring after her): Well, that was surprisingly easy.
RGN stands in front of the Council, reciting the Jedi code.
RGN: ...and I promise to serve the Republic, keep my Jedi robes clean, and do a good deed every day.
VANDAR: Excellent! You are now officially a Padawan. Now, about that dream you had --
RGN: Hey, how do you know about that?
VANDAR: Bastila told us. (RGN looks at BASTILA in surprise.)
BASTILA (shrugging): Hey, it's not my fault that you talk in your sleep...
VANDAR: Anyway, we think the cave that Revan and Malak visited may contain something important. Your job is to find out what. Oh, and if you have any spare time you can sort out all the problems the locals keep pestering us with.
RGN (drily): It would be a pleasure, Master. Just one thing: if the cave is so important, why aren't you investigating it yourselves?
VANDAR: Because... er... we have important stuff to discuss.
ZHAR: Yes, that's right... very important. Off you go, now!
RGN and BASTILA leave the Council chamber. After a minute, ZHAR creeps to the door and looks out.
DORAK: Are they gone? (ZHAR nods.) Great. (To VROOK) But seriously, Vrook, Batman and Robin are so gay.
VROOK: They are not! Listen, I'm telling you, back in issue no. 326...