Saturday, August 14, 2010

Chapters 7 to 9

Chapter 7: Star-Crossed Lovers (well, sort of)
Scene 1
RGN and BASTILA leave the enclave for the first time in several weeks. An enormous queue of angry-looking people has built up outside the gates.
RGN (under his breath): Jesus... (Aloud) Good morning, citizens of Dantooine! Does anyone have any problems I can help with?
ELISE: Oh, please help me, master Jedi! My... er... 'companion droid' seems to have gone missing...
RGN: OK, perhaps I should rephrase that. Does anyone have any real problems?
JON, a middle-aged man, runs up to him. He is weeping incoherently.
JON: They killed them... they killed them all!
RGN: Hey, hey, slow down. Who killed who?
JON: It was those damn Mandalorians, I know it was! (Sobs) I just went out for an hour or two, and when I came back they were all dead! Ruthlessly cut down in their beds!
BASTILA (horrified): Your family?
JON: My... my geraniums! My beautiful, beautiful flower garden, completely trampled! (Suddenly furious) How long are you Jedi going to sit by while those Mandalorian brutes terrorise us in this way? (There are shouts of agreement from the crowd: 'Yeah!' 'Right on!' 'You tell 'em, Jon!')
RGN and BASTILA look at each other wordlessly.
RGN (eventually): You lot live pretty sheltered lives, don't you? Fine... I'll see what I can do. (Turns to crowd) Well, come on, any more desperate crises for me to attend to before I get on with saving the galaxy? A cat stuck up a tree, perhaps?
ELISE: Well, I did hear that Ahlan Matale is accusing Nurik Sandral of kidnapping his son Shen...
RGN: What?
ELISE: ... and he's threatening to go over to the Sandral estate and shoot the place up. (Everyone gapes at her.) But never mind that -- just how are you planning to get back my beloved droid?
Scene 2
The two Jedi walk through the Sandral estate. Suddenly RGN feels BASTILA's eyes on him.
RGN: You want to talk about something, Bastila?
BASTILA: How did you know?
RGN: Well, you keep staring at me. See anything you like? (She rolls her eyes.)
BASTILA: Look, I've already told you that I'm not going to sleep with you, OK? It would just be too much of a cliché. And in any case, I was purposefully not staring in your direction.
RGN: Why were you purposefully not staring in my direction?
BASTILA: (a little flustered) Because... oh, all right, I'll admit I'm interested in you...
RGN: Ooh, you're interested in me, huh?
BASTILA: Not in that way! You... you have a great gift. You have an awesome command of understated sarcasm, and I tremble when I think of how you might misuse it...
RGN: Ooh, do I make you trem- hang on, who the hell wrote this crap? (Flips through script in disgust.) Are women really supposed to find this sort of juvenile harassment attractive?
KOTOR WRITER: Hey, take it or leave it!
RGN: Fine... (Looks at script again) 'Hey babes, if I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?'
RGN: (Backtracks hastily) Er... okay, this doesn't appear to be working too well. Maybe I could just ask you about your family or something?
BASTILA: My family? Well, my father was fond of treasure hunting. I spent all my young life on ships, travelling from one planet to another...
RGN: Searching for treasure?
BASTILA: Actually, we were on the run from the Galactic Revenue Service. But I loved my father... he was weak-willed and indulgent and spoiled me rotten. That is, until my stupid mother decided to send me to the Jedi...
RGN: You don't get on with her?
BASTILA: I don't want to talk about it.
RGN: Why am I not surprised to hear this? (He takes out his notes and adds 'Bastila: mother.')
The Jedi approach the Sandral mansion. A droid patrols the grounds outside.
BASTILA: Is Mr Sandral in, please?
SANDRAL DROID: Are you Jedi? I have orders not to let in any Jedi.
RGN: Us, Jedi? (Laughs nonchalantly.) What a ridiculous idea! We're... um... travelling double-glazing salesmen, offering free quotations to the good people of Dantooine.
SANDRAL DROID (suspiciously): And the lightsabers?
BASTILA: What? (Looks down in mock surprise) Oh, those lightsabers. Well, it's a more dangerous job than you'd think...
RGN: Yes, you never know when you might run into some ruthless Mandalorian petty criminals.
SANDRAL DROID (sympathetic): Oh, I know... Well, go on in then. I'll tell Mr Sandral you're coming.
Scene 3
Inside the house, NURIK SANDRAL greets them.
NURIK: Ah, do come in. I believe my droid said you were selling double-glazing?
RGN: That is correct, yes. But before we get down to business, just out of interest, could you possibly comment on the rumours that you're holding Shen Matale hostage?
NURIK: Dammit, why are all you salespeople so interested in Shen Matale? That's the third time this week I've been asked about him!
BASTILA: Jed- I mean, double-glazing salespeople are renowned for their fairness and pursuit of justice, Mr Sandral. There is nothing to fear from us... unless you have something to hide.
NURIK: I don't know anything about Shen's disappearance, and I'm not prepared to discuss it! Now, could you please get on with your job? My daughter Rahasia will show you around the house.
They enter the next room. RAHASIA SANDRAL is waiting for them.
RAHASIA: Oh, hello there. I'm Rahasia. Are you the people who came about the double-glazing?
RGN: Actually, Rahasia, I'll let you in on a secret: we're not actually selling double-glazing.
RAHASIA: You're not?
BASTILA: No. We're Jedi investigating the disappearance of Shen Matale.
RAHASIA: Shen? (Unexpectedly, she bursts into tears.) Oh, I love him so much... But our families are bitter enemies - my father would kill him if he knew of our love. Oh, what am I to do?
RGN: This all sounds remarkably familiar...
RAHASIA: My father has locked Shen in the broom closet. Please, you must free him!
She leads them to the closet. RGN attempts to slice the lock, but it is too difficult for him.
BASTILA: Maybe we should fetch Mission or T3?
RGN: I have a better idea. Go Go Gadget Lightsabers!
They slice through the door with their lightsabers. It melts away to reveal SHEN MATALE.
SHEN: Rahasia?
RAHASIA: Shen! (They embrace.) You must flee at once!
SHEN: No, Rahasia, I can never leave you!
RAHASIA: But what shall we do? Our parents will never allow us to marry. (Suddenly brightens) I know: we'll marry in secret! Then... then I could drink a potion that would make me appear to be dead, and then --
RGN: You know, I think that would be an extraordinarily bad idea. Perhaps we could just get out of here as quickly as possible?
Scene 4
Outside the mansion, the young lovers prepare to flee. But they are too late... At that precise moment, NURIK SANDRAL and AHLAN MATALE arrive, along with their respective droids.
MATALES / SANDRALS: Shen! Father! Mr Matale! Rahasia! Father! Mr. Sandral! Nurik! Ahlan!
AHLAN (to NURIK): You kidnapped my son, you scum! (Raises his blaster.)
NURIK: What? I did no such thing, you --
RAHASIA: Stop! (Everyone turns to look at her.) It is time I revealed the truth. My father did not kidnap Shen Matale -- I did!
Everyone stares at her in astonishment.
NURIK: What? Rahasia, how could you do such a thing?
RAHASIA: I'm sorry, Father... But I could no longer contain my twisted desires. After Shen told me he was forbidden from seeing me any more, I drugged him, locked him up and transformed him into my willing pleasure slave...
AHLAN: Willing? Shen, you went along with this?
SHEN: (Bows his head) Yes, Father. I resisted at first -- but the minute I saw her in that black leather outfit, all was lost...
AHLAN: Oh, gods... Just get lost, you filthy little perverts!
RAHASIA: Does this mean we can get married?
NURIK: Do what the hell you like! Come on, Ahlan, I need a drink. (They march off, leaving SHEN and RAHASIA alone with the Jedi.)
BASTILA: You know, you could come and live at the Jedi Enclave. We are tolerant of all lifestyles and, ah... 'preferences'.
RAHASIA: Thank you so much for your help, Jedi! (She hugs BASTILA and RGN)
SHEN: Yes, thank you! We will name our children after you. Come, Rahasia!
RGN: Er, I really wouldn't --
But they have already gone.
RGN (watching them run off): Well, that's a happy ending -- I guess...
Scene 5
Outside the ruins. The Jedi are about to enter the cave when suddenly, a group of Mandalorians dressed in colourful armour appear out of thin air. Their leader, SHERRUK, waves a sword menacingly.
SHERRUK: Well, well, if it isn't a couple of Jedi. Are those lightsabers I see there? Come on, hand 'em over!
RGN: Ah. The Mandalorian Flower Tramplers, I assume?
SHERRUK: (Slightly embarrassed) Look, we've got a little out of practice since the war ended, OK? Now give us the sabers, or... or else!
RGN: I think not. Tell me, have any of you heard of Canderous Ordo?
MANDALORIAN: Canderous Ordo? The most feared and ruthless Mandalorian warrior in the galaxy, whom only Mandalore himself could defeat?
RGN: Yep, that sounds like my friend Canderous.
The Mandalorians back away a little.
SHERRUK: You... know him?
RGN: He's right here with me on Dantooine. You know, I'm sure he'd love to see how you're carrying on the good old Mandalorian traditions, striking terror in the hearts of gardeners everywhere...
SHERRUK turns slightly pale.
SHERRUK: Er... on second thoughts... we were just joking about the lightsabers. Yeah. (They all laugh nervously.) Um... no hard feelings, right?
RGN: None whatsoever. (The Mandalorians vanish as quickly as they had appeared.)
BASTILA: Well, I imagine the local vegetable patches are probably safe for the near future...
Scene 6
Inside the cave. In front of the Jedi is some kind of strange, ancient droid.
RGN: Er... hello?
DROID: Ariite dur, wack!
BASTILA: Hang on... I recognise this language! It is an archaic variant of the Scouse dialect spoken in Liverpool, England. But why would a droid on Dantooine be programmed to speak Scouse?
DROID (subtitled): I suspect it may be a private joke on the part of the author. Anyway, I am the Overseer. The Builders programmed me to serve them tea and biscuits while this monument to the power of the Star Forge was constructed.
RGN: Star Forge?
DROID: Oops, did I just give away an important plot element?
BASTILA: So, I take it this 'Star Forge' holds the key to Malak's power. How can we find it?
DROID: Before the secrets of the Star Forge can be revealed to you, you must prove your worth by answering some Trivial Pursuits questions. Go through the doors on either side of me and talk to the computers.
They enter the first room and walk up to the computer. Words appear on the screen.
Which category would you like to start with?
RGN: Um... arts and entertainment?
So be it! Here is your question: How many times did Sean Connery star as 007 in the long-running James Bond movie series?
BASTILA: Ooh, I know this, I know this! Six, I'm sure it was six!
RGN: I thought it was seven... hang on, are we counting Never Say Never Again?
Ten minutes later...
RGN: ...And that's the orange segment! Fine, we're done.
They walk through to the other room, and approach the computer console.
BASTILA: Hmm... how about starting with Science and Nature this time?
Very well. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
RGN: Corellian or Alderaanian?
The computer starts to whirr frantically.
What? Does... not... compute... aaaaaargh! (The console explodes in a shower of sparks.)
RGN: Oops. Did I break it?
They return to the droid.
RGN: Well, we did it.
DROID: Damn! I knew we should have used the Super Millennium Genius Edition questions. Oh well, go ahead then - straight through the door in front.
They enter the final room. Inside it is the strange artefact RGN saw in his dream. As they approach, it opens to reveal a holographic star chart.
BASTILA: This is some kind of intergalactic navigational chart! (She studies it.) And I recognise some of these planets. Tatooine... Kashyyyk... Manaan... Vulcan?
RGN: I think that's probably another joke.
BASTILA: But there are things missing... and there doesn't seem to be anything indicating where the Star Forge itself might be. Oh, no... don't tell me there's more of these things!
RGN: Hmph. I sense a perilous galaxy-spanning quest on the horizon...
Scene 7
Inside the Council chamber. VANDAR is studying the star chart.
VANDAR: Yes... most interesting. Well, it would appear that there may be more of these 'Star Maps'. Of course we can't be sure, but it can't hurt to search around, can it? (Smiles broadly at RGN) And who better to undertake the task than our newest Padawan?
RGN (bowing): Why, Master Vandar, I am deeply honoured. (Innocently) But surely a task of such importance should be entrusted to a Jedi Master?
VANDAR: You know, you'd think so, wouldn't you? Just like you'd think we'd have investigated the mysterious ruins right on our doorstep at some point.
DORAK: But to tell the truth, we really can't be bothered. So it's over to you, suckers! (Looks over at JUHANI, who is just outside the door.) Oh, and you can take Grizabella there with you. The last thing we need around here is an emotionally unstable cat-woman hybrid, for God's sake!
RGN and BASTILA leave, along with JUHANI. The others are waiting for them outside.
RGN: Ladies and gentlemen, Wookiees and droids, I would like you to meet Juhani. She'll be accompanying us on our tedious, unnecessarily drawn-out search for the other four Star Maps.
CARTH: Hold on... isn't that the girl who fell to the Dark Side?
JUHANI (staring at CANDEROUS): Hold on... is that a Mandalorian?
CANDEROUS (threateningly): You have a problem with that, Cathar? (They glare at each other with poisonous hatred.)
RGN: (Shakes his head) Sheesh... we're just one big happy family, aren't we?

Chapter 8: Family Fortunes
Scene 1
On board the Ebon Hawk, which is cruising towards Tatooine. The party -- minus CARTH and ZAALBAR -- are sitting round a table, playing a game of Happy Families.
RGN: Mission, do you have Miss Slaughter, the Bounty-Hunter's Daughter?
CARTH, who is sitting by himself in a corner, heaves a deep and mournful sigh.
MISSION: No, but I do have Master Fun, the Spice-Dealer's Son.
CARTH heaves an even louder sigh. RGN gives in and looks over at him.
RGN: You've been remarkably quiet lately, Carth. Come on, what's the matter?
CARTH (sulkily): Nothing.
RGN: Look, you can't fool me, I'm a Jedi.
CARTH: Well... take these Star Maps. Why have you been put in charge of finding them when you're just a rookie Padawan? I'm the one with years of military experience, remember! And why won't anybody tell me anything about it? Nobody trusts me! It's not fair! (Seeing the others' expressions) Well, you asked.
RGN: But Carth... you don't trust anybody.
CARTH: That's... that's different! I have an excuse.
RGN: (Sighs) Yeah, yeah, I know, Saul betrayed you...
CARTH: And destroyed my home planet.
RGN: What? You never told me about this!
CARTH: I was saving it for the moment when it would cause you maximum guilt. Did I mention that my wife and son were on the planet at the time?
There is a stunned silence.
RGN (lost for words): Wow. I... I'm sorry, Carth.
CARTH (graciously): Apology accepted.
BASTILA: Were they both killed in the attack?
CARTH: I'm not sure about my son. His name was Dustil and he was serving a three-month sentence for drunken and loutish behaviour at the time. I made inquiries and checked out all the youth detention units near to Telos, but I never found him...
RGN: Well, he could still be alive. Who knows, we might even bump into him during our travels!
CARTH: Yeah, like that's going to happen. What are the chances of finding him on one of the four planets with Star Maps, out of all the planets in the galaxy? It's about as likely as running into... well, Mission's brother!
BASTILA: Or my mother.
RGN: Don't despair, friends. The laws of probability are nothing compared to the power of Narrative Causality...
ZAALBAR enters the room.
ZAALBAR: OK, who's been having a midnight eating binge? Someone has eaten all our Choc-Ices!
BASTILA (immediately): It was not all of them, it was only twenty-six!
Everyone stares at her.
BASTILA (defensively): Well, what about it? Just because I'm a Jedi, I'm not allowed to pig out from time to time?
ZAALBAR: No, they were definitely all gone. I don't think even I could eat that much!
RGN: (Groans) So now we have a ravenous Choc-Ice-addicted monster somewhere on the ship? All right, I'll look into it.
Scene 2
Meanwhile, on board the Leviathan...
MALAK: How is the Star Forge performing?
SAUL: Er... the Star Forge? Oh, fine, fine. It is operating at, ah... 200% capacity. (Under his breath) Good thing you don't understand mathematics.
MALAK: Excellent! But I am more interested in the young Jedi Bastila and her Battle Mediation. Have you learned how she escaped the destruction of Taris?
SAUL: She was aided by Carth Onasi, a decorated war hero of the Republic and a legendary whiner. Plus, a Mandalorian warrior, a Twi'lek street urchin, a Wookiee and a mysterious Republic soldier who looks remarkably like your old master Revan. (Seeing Malak's expression) Please don't ask me to explain, my Lord, I have no idea...
MALAK: Very... interesting. How did you acquire this information, Admiral?
SAUL: An eyewitness, Lord Malak. (Enter CALO NORD) This is Calo Nord, the second-greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy.
CALO: I try harder.
SAUL:He was there when Bastila and the other 'Superfriends' escaped the planet. Apparently they left him for dead.
MALAK: A Jedi, two Republic soldiers, a Wookiee and a Mandalorian? Apart from that sounding like the beginning of a bad joke, I'm surprised you survived the encounter.
CALO: The plot demanded it, Lord Malak.
SAUL: Calo has offered to help us capture the young Bastila -- for a very hefty fee, of course. But Lord Malak, I think it might be better to send Darth Bandon --
MALAK: We cannot send Bandon before our adversaries are strong enough to face him! That... well, that just wouldn't be fair on them, would it? Send Calo!
SAUL (sighing): Very well, my Lord...
Scene 3
RGN enters the storeroom and hears a faint noise, which seems to be coming from a panel in the wall. He walks over and removes the loose panel to reveal SASHA, a little girl of about five years old. Her face, hands and clothes are covered with melted chocolate. She gives RGN a wide, sticky grin.
RGN: Well, hello there! So you're our stowaway. (He bends down.) What's your name, little girl?
SASHA: Sasha.
RGN: And what are you doing on board my starship, Sasha?
SASHA (subtitled): Eating your Choc-Ices.
RGN: Hmm, I don't understand your language... but it sounds familiar somehow. Mandalorian, maybe? Perhaps the Mandalorians kidnapped you and you escaped from them?
SASHA (subtitled): No, silly! I ran away from home because Mummy wouldn't buy me a Fairy Princess Barbie.
RGN: Yes, definitely Mandalorian. (She rolls her eyes.) But I still don't understand. Do you speak any other languages?
SASHA: Parlez-vous français? O-day ou-yay eak-spay ig-pay atin-lay?
RGN: Nope, still no good, I'm afraid...
SASHA (subtitled): Idiot!
Scene 4
The ship has docked at the port of Anchorhead, on Tatooine. RGN returns to the others, carrying SASHA.
RGN: Everyone, this is Sasha, our little stowaway. (SASHA beams around at the party members. There is a chorus of "Aww, isn't she cute?")
JUHANI: Where did she come from?
RGN: Hmm, I'm not sure. It can't be Dantooine because we were at the Jedi enclave the whole time. And it can't be Taris because the ship was in Davik's estate until we stole it...
CARTH: Oh, wonderful. So now we're stuck with her?
RGN: Until we can find where she comes from. She speaks a strange language which I don't quite understand, but it sounds a bit like Mandalorian. Canderous, why don't you look after her while we take a look around Anchorhead?
CANDEROUS: What?! You can't ask me to babysit a little girl, I'm a ruthless killer!
RGN: (Chuckles) Ah, Canderous, you're not fooling anyone. You act all tough and mean, but we all know you're just a big softie inside.
CANDEROUS: No, I'm not!
RGN: Just do it, OK? And I don't want to come back to find that any unpleasant 'accidents' have happened to her, understand? (He turns to leave.)
CANDEROUS scowls after RGN as he leaves along with the others. He looks down at SASHA, who gives him an evil smile.
SASHA (imperiously): Play with me now, Candy!
CANDEROUS: Candy? Oh, gods...
Scene 5
Outside in the Anchorhead spaceport. A Czerka Corporation OFFICIAL approaches the group.
OFFICIAL: Congratulations! You are the 1000th ship to land at Anchorhead since the spaceport was opened three months ago. This makes you eligible for our special free gift: a crate of 100 gizka!
RGN: What? No, we don't want --
OFFICIAL: The offer is non-transferable and non-negotiable. (To assistants) Load them onto the ship!
RGN: (Waves hand frantically) You don't want to give us 100 gizka!
OFFICIAL: I... don't want to give you 100 gizka. (Pauses) No, of course -- 100 is not nearly enough. I shall give you double that amount!
RGN: NO! No, I -- (But the OFFICIAL has already turned and walked away.)
BASTILA: Well done, RGN. What did I tell you about being careful how you used your powers?
A passing Twi'lek woman, dressed in a cantina dancer's outfit, suddenly stops and calls out to MISSION.
LENA: Mission Vao, is that you?
MISSION: Lena! (Angrily) What did you do with my brother, you man-eating whore? I bet you killed him, stole his money and dumped his body in a skip somewhere.
LENA: Well, I wish I'd thought of that, but as a matter of fact I didn't. He didn't have any money, for a start! He asked me to marry him and then expected me to buy my own engagement ring!
MISSION: Tell me where he is!
LENA: (Shrugs) Don't know; don't care. I think he got kidnapped by Sand People or something. If you want to waste your time looking for him, that's up to you. (She stalks off.)
MISSION: Kidnapped? (Looks up at RGN in distress.)
RGN (wearily): Yes, all right, we'll try and find him...
Suddenly an identical-looking, identically-dressed Twi'lek approaches them and stares hard at BASTILA.
BASTILA (confused): Lena?
MALARE: Sorry? My name is Malare.
BASTILA: But you look just like -- oh, never mind. Is there something you want, madam?
MALARE: Forgive me... but aren't you Bastila, Helena's little girl? Yes, it is you! I can see it in the eyes - you've got just the same haughty, supercilious expression.
BASTILA (stiffly): You know my mother?
MALARE: Oh yes, she showed me pictures of you when you were a little girl. And an ugly little brat you were too. Have you had a nose job?
BASTILA (through gritted teeth): Do you actually have anything important to say to me?
MALARE: Well, you might want to stop by and see your mother while you're here -- she's in the cantina. She said she was looking for you... something about wanting to find you a suitable husband, I believe.
BASTILA: Oh, dear God...
MALARE walks off. RGN turns to CARTH, a triumphant expression on his face.
RGN: Well, well. Only our first planet, and already we've found Mission's brother and Bastila's mother. What did I tell you?
Scene 6
On board the Ebon Hawk. CANDEROUS is giving SASHA a piggy-back ride. She clutches tightly onto his hair, squealing with delight.
SASHA: Horsey!
CANDEROUS: Must... resist... urge... to... kill...
Suddenly he hears a strange noise, and looks over at the wall. A small, yellow, frog-like animal emerges from a gap in the piping, then another, then another...
CANDEROUS: Gizka? Right. (Puts down SASHA, who cries out angrily, then picks up a gizka by the scruff of its neck.) This ends now.
SASHA: More horsey, Candy!
CANDEROUS: Shut up. (Shakes the frightened-looking gizka, then picks up a blaster pistol.) Now, little girl, I am going to teach you to kill without remorse, hesitation or mercy...

Chapter 9: I, Assassin Droid
Scene 1
Outside the spaceport in Anchorhead.
RGN: Right, let's split up. Bastila and I will go and find her mother, and the rest of you can ask after Mission's brother.
BASTILA (mutters): Not going to see her.
RGN: Oh, come on, Bastila. Surely you're not still annoyed at her after all this time?
BASTILA (reluctantly): Oh, all right... but if she starts asking me about my love-life, we're married, OK?
RGN: (Winks) Fine by me.
BASTILA: On second thoughts, forget it.
They walk through Anchorhead; MISSION and the rest enter the Czerka office while BASTILA and RGN continue on their way. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he spots her looking intently at him.
RGN: Bastila, you're staring at me again. (Grins) Do I make you horny, Baby? Do I?
BASTILA: (Sighs) You never give up, do you? We've been through this before and the answer is still no!
RGN: Come on, you were staring at me. Your face is all scrunched up like a kinrath pup.
BASTILA: A... a kinrath pup? It is not! (Hotly) I am a Jedi, remember? I have far too much mental discipline to reveal what goes on inside my mind with such obvious physical clues. My thoughts remain hidden, including the fact that I want to rip your clothes off and make wild, passionate love to y- I mean, what I think about you. (She storms off, leaving a startled RGN behind her.)
RGN: Wow, that was one hell of a Freudian slip...
Scene 2
The cantina on Tatooine. HELENA SHAN, a stern-looking woman in her mid-forties, is sitting at a table in the corner. BASTILA and RGN approach.
HELENA (barely glancing at them): No, thank you, I don't want to buy any 'curry powder'...
BASTILA: I am here, Mother. Or don't you recognise me?
HELENA: (Finally looks up at her) Well, how could I be expected to recognise you after all these years? And you look different somehow. Have you had a nose job?
BASTILA (hastily): Er... Mother, let me introduce you to Randomly Generated Name.
RGN: (Waves) Hi there.
HELENA casts a critical eye over RGN, then looks reproachfully at her daughter.
HELENA: Oh, Bastila. Couldn't you have found yourself a nice Jewish boy?
BASTILA (blushing furiously): Mother! RGN isn't my boyfriend, he's just... just a friend!
HELENA: Hmph. So I take it you're still single, then? I might have known...
BASTILA (hisses): Of course I'm still single! Jedi aren't allowed to fall in love, remember?
HELENA: (Shakes her head) There's always some excuse, isn't there? If your poor father were alive today... (Seeing BASTILA's expression) Oh, did I forget to write and tell you?
BASTILA sits down heavily on a chair.
BASTILA: I see. So how did he die? Did the GRS agents finally catch up with him?
HELENA: No, he was killed hunting a krayt dragon out in the Tatooine desert. If you have some spare time, maybe you could look for the dragon's cave and find his holocron for me?
BASTILA (stiffly): Mother, I am a Jedi, not Lara Croft. We happen to be on a very important mission which could decide the fate of the entire galaxy --
Suddenly MISSION runs in, along with the other party members.
MISSION (excitedly): RGN, RGN! The Czerka rep said that Griff disappeared in the desert and they think the Sand People got him, so they gave us some Sand People robes to disguise ourselves with!
CARTH: And I bought a hunting licence so that we can earn some extra credits.
MISSION: Oh, and can we go to the swoop track later? Zaalbar and I love to bet on the races.
HELENA looks at them, then back at her daughter.
HELENA: The entire galaxy, you say?
BASTILA (embarrassed): Listen, Mother --
HELENA: Oh, don't worry about it, my dear. (Sighs) How ridiculous of me, expecting a famous, important Jedi like you to worry about her poor, sick, widowed mother whom she hasn't seen in fifteen years...
BASTILA: Mother, I --
HELENA: No, of course I can't burden you with a trivial task like finding the only thing that remains of my beloved husband. After all, what does it matter? I'll probably be dead soon in any case --
BASTILA: All right, I'll look for the damn holocron!
Scene 3
Outside the cantina.
RGN: Whoa. I see what you mean about not getting on with her...
BASTILA: So much for your theory about the passage of time, RGN.
RGN (helplessly): Well, maybe if you got to know each other better...?
BASTILA: RGN, she's an evil manipulative cow!
RGN: OK, granted, but... aren't the Jedi supposed to try and see the best in everyone?
BASTILA: Fine. You can do the 'seeing the best' bit and I'll carry on with the 'hating' bit.
MISSION: (Coughs) Er, guys, maybe we could start thinking about finding my brother sometime?
RGN: Right, yes, sorry. (To CARTH) Carth, what do you suggest?
CARTH: Well, we basically have two options: kill everyone in the Sand People enclave, or find some way to sneak in.
RGN: Yes, well, I think we'll save the 'mass genocide' option as our back-up plan. You said we had some Sand People robes? (MISSION nods.) Excellent. Now, who here speaks the Sand People language?
There is a long silence.
CARTH: The problem with the Sand People language is that anyone who gets close enough to hear it tends to end up dead.
JUHANI: Perhaps a protocol droid could help? Some of them speak millions of languages.
RGN: Well, it's vastly unlikely... but what the hell, we're desperate. Come on, let's look for a droid store.
Scene 4
YUKA LAKA's droid store. HK-47, a combat droid, stands in a corner. The party approaches him.
HK-47: Greetings, meatb- ahem, 'sentients'! I am referred to as HK-47, a fully functional Systech Corporation droid skilled in both combat and protocol functions. Query: Would you be so kind as to consider purchasing me?
RGN: I'm looking for a droid that speaks the Sand People dialect.
HK-47: Incredulity: You seek a droid that speaks a language no human or other sentient creature understands?
RGN: Yes, I suppose when you put it that way...
HK-47: Hasty reassurance: Fortunately for you, prospective purchaser, it happens that I do indeed speak the Sand People dialect. Implausible as this may seem.
RGN: Hold on a minute. Stop everything. (The scene suddely freezes.) OK, could someone please explain to me how this is even possible?
KOTOR WRITER (nervously): Um... maybe Revan spoke it?
RGN: Why the heck would Revan bother learning the Sand People language? And while we're about it, how did he and Malak get to the Star Map when there was a bloody great dragon sitting on top of it?
KOTOR WRITER: (Close to tears) Look... look, you're just supposed to accept it, OK? It's known as 'suspension of disbelief'. Now could we please, please stop breaking the fourth wall and get back to the story?
RGN: Oh, all right. (The scene unfreezes.) Very well, HK-47, for the sake of the story I'll accept that you know how to speak the Sand People dialect. I'll see about purchasing you, shall I?
HK-47: Statement: An excellent choice, master! I assure you that you will not regret it.
RGN (suspiciously): Regret it? Why should I?
HK-47: Reassurance: Oh... no reason, master. No reason at all. (Whistles innocently)
Scene 5
Outside the droid store, near the gate that leads out into the desert.
HK-47: Thank you for purchasing me, master! Query: Would you like me to read you your warranty now?
RGN: Er... I think it can wait till later, HK.
HK-47: Statement: Very well, master. In that case I shall take up my duties straight away. Query: Who would you like me to kill for you?
The party members shrink away from him slightly.
RGN: Kill for me?
HK-47: Answer: Indeed, master. It is a long time since I experienced the pleasure of terminating an organic meatbag. Should you have any particular target in mind, I will be happy to oblige.
RGN (at a loss): Well, I... don't think that will be necessary for the moment, HK. But I'll be sure to tell you next time I need someone, um, 'terminated'.
HK-47: Resignation: As you wish, master.
RGN: Who did you say constructed you, again?
HK-47: Confession: I am not entirely sure, master... but I suspect that they were probably not familiar with the Three Laws of Robotics.
They approach the gate. A small group of Jawas, including their leader IZIZ, are standing there.
IZIZ (subtitled): You there, of your kind, can you help Iziz of Jawa? There are troubles from the ghosts among the sands.
BASTILA: 'Ghosts among the sands'? What is he talking about?
IZIZ: There are troubles that we have. The giants made of sand, they are horned ghosts that take us away.
RGN: Is it the Sand People you're talking about?
IZIZ: People of Sand are who I mean. That is they!
BASTILA: Hmm... the Jawas have been here a lot longer than anyone else. I wonder if they know anything about the Star Map on this planet?
IZIZ: I know this! Listen to the words I could not know without seeing it! A map of stars to those from before!
RGN: All right, enough, you're making my head ache. Listen: we'll find your tribe-mates who've been captured by the Sand People, and you tell us where to find the Star Map. Deal?
IZIZ: A trade can be made of this for that. Iziz will see it done.
The party goes through the gate, out into the desert. IZIZ turns to the other Jawas.
IZIZ: 'The giants made of sand, they are horned ghosts that take us away.' (Sniggers) They always fall for it, don't they? Stupid humans.
JAWA: Yeah, I know... Come on, let's get thinking of things to say to them when they come back!
Scene 6
Outside in the desert. A man, TANIS VENN, can be seen a short way away, surrounded by a group of battle droids. When he sees the party, he starts waving his arms and shouting.
CARTH: What's up with him?
They walk over to TANIS
TANIS: Oh, thank God! I thought I would die out here.
RGN: Er... you do realise Anchorhead is just over there, right?
TANIS: I'm not lost, you moron! My wife engineered these droids so that they'll blow up if I try to leave this spot.
TANIS: Why? Er, well... I'm not sure. No reason, I suppose.
RGN: No reason? So she just woke up one day and thought 'Hmm, I'm bored. I think I'll send my husband out into the desert with a group of homicidal battle droids'?
TANIS: Uh... yeah, that's right.
RGN: Indeed. Well, I know a bit about droids... too bad I'm such a 'moron', or I might have been able to fix them for you.
TANIS (hastily): Actually I meant the... er... Twi'lek word 'moron', which means --
MISSION: 'Transsexual prostitute'?
TANIS: Look... I take it back, OK? Please help me -- I've been here for hours and I really, really need to go to the bathroom!
HK-47 (hopefully): Suggestion: Master, perhaps I could just kill this meatbag and put him out of his misery?
RGN: Tempting as that idea is, I think that as a Jedi it's my duty to help him. (There is a chorus of groans from the rest of the party, including BASTILA and JUHANI)
BASTILA: RGN, you know how I was going on at you the other day about the dangers of the Dark Side and how you must constantly strive to resist it? (He nods.) Well, I've changed my mind. Do you always,always have to be so bloody virtuous?
CARTH: Yeah, surely a couple of Dark Side points wouldn't do that much harm?
RGN (steely voice): Dark Side points are not an option.
CARTH (backing down): Okay, okay...
RGN walks over to one of the droids and begins to check the interface. There is a message from TANIS's wife:
Having fun on the dunes, Tanis? I made sure you would. Here's the deal: Your precious droids have trapped you. They'll hold you until you die of thirst. Make a mistake while repairing them, they explode. Have a good death. My mother was right about you.
Slimeball Must Die subscript running. OMG pwned sux0r!!1!1 LOLOLOLOL
Five minutes later...
RGN: Done. Kind of her to save me reprogramming the whole thing by including some simple arithmetical problems to disable the script.
TANIS: WHAT? You mean I've been standing here for hours when -- (Suddenly stops.) Uh... never mind. Thanks anyway.
RGN: Don't mention it.
TANIS: Nice to meet you all... especially you byootiful ladies. (Grins suggestively at JUHANI)
JUHANI: Save it. I'm a lesbian.
TANIS (offended): Well, sheesh, if you're not interested than you only had to say...
Scene 7
Near the Sand People enclave in the southern Dune Seas. RGN, BASTILA and JUHANI are disguised in Sand People robes; HK-47 accompanies them.
RGN: For the last time, HK, you'll get a chance to kill people later on! Now if you don't shut up, I'll sell you to one of the local farmers and you can spend the rest of your existence chatting to the moisture vaporators.
HK-47: Objection: Master, that was a vicious, cruel and unnecessary threat!
RGN: Your point being?
HK-47: Acknowledgement: Yes... a good point, master. I think I am beginning to like you after all...
BASTILA: RGN, are you sure it was a good idea to buy this droid?
RGN: Well, it's done now. And he can't kill anyone unless I tell him to... I think.
HK-47 (innocently): Reassurance: Perish the thought, master.
They approach the entrance to the enclave; a GUARD stands near the door. As they come closer, he suddenly lets out an angry growl and bars their way.
RGN: Uh-oh, I think we've been rumbled. Quick, HK, tell him we're not a threat!
HK-47 emits some unintelligible sounds. The GUARD grunts angrily in reply.
RGN: What's he saying, HK?
HK-47: Translation: I did not catch all of it, master... but I believe there was a reference to bantha droppings.
RGN: Hang on, I thought you said you spoke the Sand People dialect?
HK-47: Qualification: I never said I spoke it well, did I? (RGN groans.)
BASTILA (acidly): Perhaps we should try Babelfish?
Suddenly a couple of other Sand People approach, and they and the GUARD have a brief conversation. Then the GUARD turns back to HK-47 and barks out what sound like a command.
RGN: What's he saying now?
HK-47: Translation: Er... I believe he is asking you and your companions to accompany him inside the enclave and remove your clothing, master.
RGN: OK, this is not a good start...

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